Why Men Loathe Desperate Women

 

“Women are so desperate and aggressive these days. It’s sad. They wanna latch on after two weeks and start staking their claim. Bringing up the future and marriage.

I like to be the one who’s doing the pursuing.”

 

This is from the guy (“CT”) who took me to see a play in Harlem last Friday night.

See ladies, that’s why we have to not be so pressed about men we don’t know. Because right off the bat, they assume you will be!

It’s hard to step outside of the box once they’ve categorized you as desperate (“to get married or to have a man,” he said), aggressive, hopeless, and pitiful. Or as a woman who will accept anything to avoid loneliness.

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When I told him I’ve been single almost three years and I’m still not complaining about my relationship status or feeling too pressed, he was really taken aback. Why is this shocking? (Some days I AM like dayummm. Where the hell is this Man? Lol. But still!)

“That long and you ain’t complaining? I’m tired of being single!” So right away, I got him to confess that, at 45 years old, he’s tired. (So he said.)

Like I told him, it’s one thing to recognize your need for a man (Who doesn’t want emotional support, companionship, intimacy – monogamous sex, etc.? I do.), but it’s another thing to be desperate. Feeling your need for a man is healthy. Desperation is not.

This is not rocket science, but he also confirmed that men assess what a woman will require of him very early on and then decide what he’s willing or able to contribute.

A woman who has higher standards and brings as much or more to the table as he does can be seen as a big investment or challenge – especially for the insecure man, or a man who knows he’s just not ready to step up to the plate. He could be emotionally unavailable (due to his career, baggage from prior relationships, etc.), financially unstable (can’t contribute to your life or treat you the way he would like to), or too lazy to elevate himself. This man will only want to seriously date at or below the level he sees himself at.

The presumed desperate woman is seen as wanting too much — too much time, too much commitment, too much of a real relationship (outside of sex) too soon, too much emotional intimacy (that he might have to fake, etc.). If a man plays this game of pretend with you, it won’t be forever.

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Suppposedly CT has been dating women who didn’t require much, and is now ready to invest in a serious relationship with a serious woman. Hmmm. What does that say about him? (He also rarely sees his five children who live in a different state than he does.)

I appreciate the honesty, but the only way to gauge a person’s sincerity is through their Actions. By the way, he said I gave him a hard time. (Y’all know that can’t be true!)

One of my friends made an interesting observation some time ago:

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My response? “Yes and sometimes that baggage is children with chicken head (CH) mamas.” But y’all don’t hear me though!

*In case you’re wondering, I did have a nice time. He asked me out again and said what he enjoyed most of all was our train ride together afterwards. My response? “Me too. Yes, we can hang out again.”

(Update: the second date was the last. We fell off one another’s radar.)

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What do you think about the idea that a man will date a woman who doesn’t require much, until he’s ready for a serious situation? Is that a character flaw, or just reality? To the male readers: have you done this?

What are the signs of a desperate woman and what should women do to change that perception, or put themselves in a position to require more?



Categories: Advice, Dating Stories, Inspiration, Random

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

35 replies

  1. I really dont understand why men assume every woman is desperate. I say that because some men will approach every woman the same smh. Just because other woman in your past has accepted that behavior doesnt mean all woman will. I absolutely hate when bring up sex to me and we are not sexually active with one another further more I dont even know ur ass. Thats the quickest way to get deleted and forgotten about. Sorry this post is kind of personal to me I hate desperation. Im far from desperate and screw u for assuming that all woman are especially when they have been single for a while. mini vent lol

    Like

    • Hmm. That’s true re some men approaching all women the same. Based on what they’re used to. But that’s when they get the axe — like you said. If you entertain him and his BS long enough, you catch feelings and find yourself complaining later (or worse case, having children with him). We live and we learn. This is the perfect place to vent! No worries!

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  2. No character flaw in dating a woman (the key word is woman) that doesn’t require much. We all choose what we want in a relationship at certain points of our lives. Some ppl will settle until Mr. Or Ms. Right comes along, and some won’t. As for the desperate woman, is she considered desperate because she met a man that she looks at as her ideal man and wants to latch on after two weeks? Why not take the initiative for someone you look at as ideal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Great points. I agree that it’s not a character flaw (unless you’re lying to or deceiving those women). I feel like you get stuck when you settle (more often than not) or hurt the other person who is fully invested. As far as being desperate for your ideal man or woman, two weeks is still too early to tell! And in any case, some men want that role of pursuer.

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  3. I think it is a character flaw to date someone who you know won’t require much of you. You can’t feel good about dating raggedy women. The only women I know who won’t require much from a man are hoodrats. You’re woman is only going to be a reflection of you. If you have good game, she will have good game.

    For women it’s about what you can bring to the table besides your looks and sex. Can you cook? Clean? Do you have hustle skills? Are you ready for some good leadership?

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    • I was thinking something similar, especially since it’s a conscious decision to enter a situation with a woman knowing you have no intentions of being serious or committing necessary resources to her and the relationship —– and not being upfront and honest about it. That’s deceiving. On the other hand, sometimes people know they don’t have much to offer (time, money, attention, etc) so they date at a level that suits their resources. Not necessarily a hood rat. There are women with careers and homes who will accept anything from a man — just to have a man. She could have self-esteem, self-worth issues, etc. (But as you stated, his choice in a woman is still a reflection of him – and vice versa.) Also, in many areas of life – people strive for more/ better only when they are mentally ready/ conditioned to do so.

      I agree re women bringing something to the table. Pretty women and sex come a dime a dozen.

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      • Being a hoodrat is a mentality. You can have a house and car and still be a hoodrat. That doesn’t change who you are as a person.

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        • Even still, in this case, dating down doesn’t necessarily mean a woman with a hoodrat mentality. It only takes being emotionally vulnerable. You can have many areas of your life on point and still have a run of the mill man. Interesting thought. Thanks.

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          • Emotionally vulnerable to who though? Most guys that are dusty that’s why you’re “dating down”. Most women aren’t really dating down if we’re going to keep it 100. That’s your dude because that’s the best you can get. If you could get better you would.

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            • Women are Very often emotionally vulnerable to men. You know that. There’s truth to that – dating at your level. But I can still see a man dating a woman with lower standards (or several) because he just didn’t have the time, resources, want, etc to invest in her or the situation. That doesn’t mean he’s dusty or that she’s a hoodrat. Does it mean she thinks – for whatever reason, that that’s the best she can get. Yes, I agree with you. Whatever her issues are, she puts up with the bullshit.

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            • “Most” guys who date down are dusty? Lol. Dusty or insecure, lazy (don’t wanna invest), low confidence – yes! Perhaps. Many variables. I feel you though.

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              • I don’t believe in dating down. You are only going to date on your level. You only get what you allow. If you’re on top of your game with options, your girl is going to be fly.

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                • I can’t disagree here. We know my tolerance levels concerning this (personally) but I’ve seen people in situations that weren’t the best, but I wouldn’t say they have hoodrat mentalities (maybe that’s broadly defined). And maybe my view is a bit narrow because I’m thinking of situations I have first hand knowledge of.

                  I still would not equate being emotionally vulnerable to a man who is consciously misleading, using, etc to being a hoodrat. I would examine what her specific issues are (low self esteem, fear of abandonment, low self worth, etc) I’m gonna stick by that.

                  This is a topic worth exploring tho. Send me links if you wrote about it.

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                • Excellent points. Appreciate that.

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                • I have to come back and agree with you on these points. It’s very hard for me to “date down.” And I don’t have to. That’s how you attract leeches who want to latch on (for sex, company, etc, but bring nothing to the table.)

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                  • good glad you’re seeing the light 🙂

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                    • “It’s very hard for you to date down? And you don’t have to? Dating down dosen’t mean dating bums. Dating bums means you’re dating a bum!!!!! Bums leech and “bring nothing to the table” not a MAN who’s not making the salary you’re making or brings to the table a little less than you. I always thought the foundation of a true great, FUNCTIONAL, mature, adult, relationship/marriage had the ingredients of LOVE, COMMITMENT, TRUST, & LOYALTY. The couples that have the best relationships/marriages do what it takes for one another, not whether or not they’ve dated down.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I get that. I was in a very long term relationship where I had a higher salary than him the whole time! “Dating down” is open to interpretation, so for me it doesn’t mean a man who makes less money, it means a man who is uninspiring – can’t upgrade me in any way! Lacks ambition and drive and brings nothing to the table. Not necessarily a bum, because for someone else, he might serve as the perfect upgrade. Dating down means something different to everyone because it depends on your standards. And yes, I can ‘choose’ who I want to date and spend time with – based on my own standards. Same way a man will pick and choose. I’m not right for everyone either.

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  4. I never considered myself desperate, but I made sure the guys I dated knew what they were looking for. I probably said the word marriage within the first month my boyfriend and I were dating. I didn’t say I needed a time table or that it even needed to be him. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I told him I was dating to find someone to marry. It’s not meant to pressure, I just want to make sure that’s something you want somewhere in the future as well. I don’t want to invest my time in a relationship only to find that you never want to be married.

    Seemed to work out for me ^_^

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  5. I like your questions My Female Persuasion! It seems as though the unattractiveness of this predicament (dating a “desperate” woman), would vary greatly based on the woman’s age or stage of her life. So, it’s possible that some men aren’t taking this into account. Case in point, if a freshman girl in college is holding your hand and starts talking about moving to Montana for her wedding on the 3rd date (this has happened to me), it’s a red flag. But if you’re a single parent, there’s a good chance you have higher expectations, most likely long-lasting expectations, for a partner and one doesn’t want to waste much time.

    Personally, I would prefer to enter a relationship that will grow steadily (don’t tell me you want 10 kids when I’ve only seen you naked a handful of times – also has happened to me). The reason is simple; I’m in my mid-20s and people change. I want to build a foundation with someone not knowing exactly where we’ll end up next year, if we make it that far. Not to say that we need to take baby steps but becoming accustomed to everything in each stage of the relationship before moving forward is important to me. Before we marry, I want to know that we can live civilly together. Before we have kids, I need to know that you can express selfless love and are nurturing. Things like this.

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    • Thank you! lol. I have to laugh at the woman being upfront about wanting ten kids. Haha! I guess it’s a good thing – for you – that she sprung that on you early.

      I think your preference is reasonable. Even though I have children already, I still think a slow build is better than jumping into a serious relationship straight away.

      I find that men around 37-40+ are ready to settle down and some hang on the first woman with a good set of qualities who has herself together. And this is probably even more true for women – wanting to latch on to “a good man!” Right away.

      So you’re right. It varies by age, but I think rushing through the “getting to know you” phase is a recipe for disaster no matter what age group.

      Like

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  1. Women on Dating – the 30’s Versus the 40’s! | My Female Persuasion

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