“Women are so desperate and aggressive these days. It’s sad. They wanna latch on after two weeks and start staking their claim. Bringing up the future and marriage.
I like to be the one who’s doing the pursuing.”
This is from the guy (“CT”) who took me to see a play in Harlem last Friday night.
See ladies, that’s why we have to not be so pressed about men we don’t know. Because right off the bat, they assume you will be!
It’s hard to step outside of the box once they’ve categorized you as desperate (“to get married or to have a man,” he said), aggressive, hopeless, and pitiful. Or as a woman who will accept anything to avoid loneliness.
When I told him I’ve been single almost three years and I’m still not complaining about my relationship status or feeling too pressed, he was really taken aback. Why is this shocking? (Some days I AM like dayummm. Where the hell is this Man? Lol. But still!)
“That long and you ain’t complaining? I’m tired of being single!” So right away, I got him to confess that, at 45 years old, he’s tired. (So he said.)
Like I told him, it’s one thing to recognize your need for a man (Who doesn’t want emotional support, companionship, intimacy – monogamous sex, etc.? I do.), but it’s another thing to be desperate. Feeling your need for a man is healthy. Desperation is not.
This is not rocket science, but he also confirmed that men assess what a woman will require of him very early on and then decide what he’s willing or able to contribute.
A woman who has higher standards and brings as much or more to the table as he does can be seen as a big investment or challenge – especially for the insecure man, or a man who knows he’s just not ready to step up to the plate. He could be emotionally unavailable (due to his career, baggage from prior relationships, etc.), financially unstable (can’t contribute to your life or treat you the way he would like to), or too lazy to elevate himself. This man will only want to seriously date at or below the level he sees himself at.
The presumed desperate woman is seen as wanting too much — too much time, too much commitment, too much of a real relationship (outside of sex) too soon, too much emotional intimacy (that he might have to fake, etc.). If a man plays this game of pretend with you, it won’t be forever.
Suppposedly CT has been dating women who didn’t require much, and is now ready to invest in a serious relationship with a serious woman. Hmmm. What does that say about him? (He also rarely sees his five children who live in a different state than he does.)
I appreciate the honesty, but the only way to gauge a person’s sincerity is through their Actions. By the way, he said I gave him a hard time. (Y’all know that can’t be true!)
One of my friends made an interesting observation some time ago:
My response? “Yes and sometimes that baggage is children with chicken head (CH) mamas.” But y’all don’t hear me though!
*In case you’re wondering, I did have a nice time. He asked me out again and said what he enjoyed most of all was our train ride together afterwards. My response? “Me too. Yes, we can hang out again.”
(Update: the second date was the last. We fell off one another’s radar.)
What do you think about the idea that a man will date a woman who doesn’t require much, until he’s ready for a serious situation? Is that a character flaw, or just reality? To the male readers: have you done this?
What are the signs of a desperate woman and what should women do to change that perception, or put themselves in a position to require more?