Dear Male Friend – Get The Hell On

Why would you need me when you have a woman (and children) at home?

Just to backtrack, I had several missed calls from a friend over the past couple of weeks. I called back yesterday and found out he wanted to revise his resume for him. In addition to his fiancΓ©e, there are plenty of professional establishments that offer that service.

I have nothing against helping friends and I’m sure people who know me would agree.

But — this is the same guy I wrote about in Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motives. The one who tried to convince me that I have issues because I’m single. He was in his feelings.

I’m not here to bash anyone; however, he did prompt this Facebook status today:

Ever notice those people who view you solely as a resource, but disguise their intentions as friendship? Yea, they gotta go.

Hit you up when they need something, but no other time? Yea, them. They gotta go.

I am multi-talented (FACT), but not here for BS. Nexxttt!!!

fantasia gif

While he doesn’t ask for favors on a regular basis (hardly ever), I still felt some type of way.

That led me to this thought (again): male friends do have motives. Many men disapprove of their women having male friends because they feel that man is just waiting on the sidelines for the opportunity to have sexual relations with their wife/ girl.

I say this – there is some truth to that (because plenty of men – Not all, will take the cake if offered), but if that woman is smart, or resourceful in some way, they may be more likely to just keep her in mind for if/ when they need a favor. That I can’t deal with.

That led me to this thought. A lot of women, myself included, have cherished male friends for the comfort they provide. (And NOT attention, because I can get that anywhere.) Sometimes we like having the male perspective, or we appreciate the lack of competition, jealousy, and hateration that female friends can bring. Male friends can be a stress reliever – that non-judgemental, unbiased voice of reason. Or maybe they’re knowledgeable or helpful. Or consider this – there are true, genuine people in the world, and a lot of them are men. (I’m blessed to know a few.)

But at the same time – and I thought about this in bed last night – over sharing with male friends can reduce the sanctity of your relationship with your OWN man, who should really be your rock and your go-to person at the end of the day. That person who you bare it all too. The man you commit to should be the one you share those intimate sides of yourself with. If communication and commitment are strong enough, you don’t need another man to fill your emotional voids.

Do I know a few males whom I feel sincerely have my best interest in mind and have been supportive since day one without coming at me sideways? Yes. Respectful enough to never interfere with my relationship or pry into intimate details?Β  Yes. Upstanding? Yes. And they can also meet my significant other with no problem. (Stick with me y’all. I’m still single, but I’m saying WHEN I have a man! I’m optimistic!) I’m willing to give up the stragglers for him – and keep the tried and true.

Since I said “no” to revising that resume, I’m sure my friend may be feeling some type of way. But I am not here for the sole purpose of being a resource (unless I’m getting paid). What’s done is done.

I’m ready (yet single and free to talk to whoever I want! Lol). Rant done!

************************************
Have you ever felt used by someone who masqueraded their intentions as friendship? How did you handle it? What do you think about drawing boundaries in relationships (with same or opposite sex)? Do you think there are ulterior motives when it comes to friends of the opposite sex?



Categories: Blogging, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

44 replies

  1. I agree with you about having close friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship. Some people claim it works and is doable but I’ve never actually seen it… I wouldn’t want my boyfriend having a close girlfriend (been there, done that, he cheated) so I’m not going to do the same to him.

    Like

    • Thanks Aussa. I always thought it was fine for me (but not for him). And now I’m realizing I probably over shared and, in the process, did a disservice to my SO and relationship. I’m over it. The few guys I know are genuine can meet my SO with no problem. And I rarely see them. I think it’s unreasonable to assume your partner had NO female friends/acquaintances that he talked to from time to time before we met. How would you handle that?

      Like

      • I think– as hard as it is to always follow through with this– that you have to have a statute of limitations sort of approach and everything that happened before you came along is off-limits in terms of trying to punish or be jealous. I think we all have things that we don’t want to be judged for from before we ended up with the people we’re with! Of course, if he has a best friend and then you come along… I think that relationship just has to change. At least for me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that level of intimacy. To say that’s cruel or unfair is kind of unrealistic because relationships are always ebbing and flowing and adapting to life changes. This would just be a new life change.

        Like

        • Good perspective. Definitely re statute of limitations. Honestly, I would be bothered if my SO was referring to another woman as his “best friend” no matter what. I keep a small circle in general, so I value people who are close to me. There is a constant ebb and flow though.

          Like

  2. It’s okay to have close friends of the opposite sex but to a certain extinct. If I can’t get to know this close friend you’re in a relationship with, then it’s not okay. As a married woman, out of respect for my spouse there ought to be strong boundaries around that relationship. If he/she can’t discuss that close friendship with their lover ,then what is the motive?! I don’t share and I will NEVER share!
    So, what is this guys motive!?

    Like

    • I totally agree. And I admit that I’ve had male friends who I never mentioned to my significant other. And maybe he did the same thing. There was nothing sexual or inappropriate going on, but I would like to be more open about friendships going forward. I didn’t want him having close female friends either!

      Like

  3. If he hardly ever ask for ur help why did u feel used? Was it because he is interested in u? U dont like him anyway so anything he does aggravates u?

    Like

    • I asked myself the same question. Good point. I think it’s more of him having a woman at home, but asking me. Or there being plenty of professional services, but emailing me and expecting a same-day response. And also that I realize there are two other people who do the same thing, with the same sense of urgency. Maybe it’s just me reevaluating these situations in general and questioning my motives as well as theirs. Maybe it was his lack of response when I asked why he didn’t ask his fiancee. I think that’s healthy for me right now (before I get into a serious relationship), and maybe – just maybe I overreacted. Very good questions Keenie.

      Like

  4. I think maybe u overreacted a little and maybe the aggravation u expressed was to the two people who does the same thing so he was that straw that broke the camel back. He probably asked u instead of his fiance cause he might think u wld do a better job in helping him out. Why dont anyone want to go to a agency?

    Like

  5. This is for me girl I just know it is. But I don’t think all males have motives. I do however believe they choose their women friends carefully just incase they need some help. I know I am always the one to do resumes for the men I have known throught the years. It is kind of a compliment, because they trust you enough with that. Great read! I need to be printing this out while I typing lol.

    Like

  6. This is going to sound odd, but I agree with this outside of the gender distinctions. That is to say, I think sharing too much intimate information with anyone – male or female – outside of the relationship that should be your rock can cause problems. I don’t have any problems with a boyfriend having friends of the opposite sex. To me that a trust issue. If he can’t be friends with a girl without wanting to jump her bones, then he’s not worth dating. When it comes down to the main issue of this post, though – ‘friends’ who just use you – I agree. They have to go. No need for that in your life.

    Like

    • You make great points – over sharing, trust, and boundaries in friendships. Definitely true about dating someone you cant trust – leads to paranoia and insanity, even when there’s no real cause for concern. Thanks for chiming in.

      Like

    • I agree with you too TK. Even though I just said I’m glad my husband doesn’t have any close women friends lol. But really it goes beyond sex. That’s why I agree with you about sharing intimate information. Like one of my few guy friends (and no I don’t share intimate details with him) has told me a LOT of stuff about the girl he’s with. She actually acts like she doesn’t like me. At first I was offended, like “hey I didn’t do anything” but she probably knows that he spills their business.

      I intentionally don’t talk to him as much anymore. They have a child together and although I understand wanting to have someone to vent to some of the stuff he told me I would be pissed if my husband was putting out there with a friend, ESPECIALLY another chick.

      Like

      • Exactly. I’ve found that in my friendships with males, I spilled more (getting the male perspective) and men are more likely to be tight-lipped. They’ll rarely talk about who they’re seeing if they are single and then sometimes there’s a balanced give and take where there’s a genuine friendship/ connection. As in the case with your friend, sometimes there’s friction.

        Like

      • On some level, you have to do what’s comfortable for you. I don’t think there is anything wrong if you prefer your husband isn’t close friends with women, but I also think it’s totally fine if people see differently. I just don’t subscribe to the idea that men and women can only have a romantic relationship. It’s possible for a man and a woman to just be friends.

        I don’t think it’s healthy to vent to any friend about a relationship. It’s one thing to say that your partner didn’t call you or something. It’s another thing to talk about the huge fight you had, the names he called you and everything he did wrong. You might forgive him, but a friend will have a harder time forgiving someone who did you wrong.

        Like

  7. Woo! I have so many stories about male friends. Each one is completely different, but I don’t have as many as I used to. I can relate to the situation with the resume. It seems to many friends (and “friends”) view us as a resource and not as an actual friend.

    On another note, I do think men and women can be friends…just friends in some rare occasions but to be honest I’m glad my husband doesn’t have any close women friends. I’m not jealous- everyone says that but I’m far from it- but honestly it can just get sticky. I’m his best friend. BOOM! lol

    Like

    • I know that’s right! The night before I wrote the piece, I made a voice recording of my thoughts (just listened to it a little while ago) and they were just so on point. If your significant other is your best friend, you don’t need to rely on male friends in the same way you used to and vice versa. So the dynamics of those relationships change – and sometimes if your mate is uncomfortable with those friendships, you have to choose!

      I feel the same, I wouldn’t want my mate having close female friends either. Awkwardness.

      Like

      • It’s so crazy because I NEVER thought I could care. Growing up I was always the “cool chick” lol, a in hanging with the guys all the time. I have two brothers and know a lot about how men think being around so many of them. I thought I would be okay with everything, but as I get older some things just don’t make sense.

        So I “get it” now. I still don’t get mad about a lot of things that some girls do (though I think that has more to do with my husband than me) I def see how that friend situation can be a no-go.

        That’s a book, “Stories from Friends” (okay the title sucks). But so many people have stories about being friends with the opposite sex- good, bad, and ugly it could be a compilation of our different experiences. As you can see your post sparked something in me.

        Hey if you do it, I’ll submit for sure! ;)…I may need to be anonymous though lol

        Like

        • Hmm. That’s a very interesting idea. One I hadn’t thought of. I guess it could be a series on my blog. Have people submit stories. (Funny, I just asked you a question about submissions on your own blog, but you didn’t even know it when you wrote this. LOL)

          Like

          • Oh ok, I just saw that comment. I actually didn’t understand what you meant when I read it (now I got you). Yes, I def want to take submissions from everyday men but from my experience a lot of people don’t want to write (unless they’re writers of course). So I think I’ll just throw questions out there or do it like an informal Q & A when it comes to that part. Basically, people like to share, but sometimes get intimidated when asked to write a personal essay so I think this would work for the men’s book.

            As far as the friends/dating series that would be great for a blog. I thought of a book because I just noticed recently that this woman that I follow (can’t think of her blog name right now) asked her readers to share their “awakening experiences”. So each person was assigned to post on a certain day, and so she took all 40 of them and compiled them (with their permission of course) and compiled them for a free e-book. Thought that was pretty clever.

            Everyone has a a story about friendships, dating etc. so the skies the limit with this topic (blog series, books, etc.)

            Like

            • Ohh ok. You’re right. They would prefer to give you the info and let you massage and compile it. That’s a great idea.

              That was definitely clever what that blogger did.

              And I’m definitely going to consider showcasing other people stories. Or do Q&A style posts about dating.

              Like

  8. I love having female friends and not for sexual reasons. My female friends, aside from just being friends. are like interpreters. Sometimes the female language confuses me and I need someone who speaks it.

    Like

  9. Yes, that can definitely get old. And it works both ways. I had a friend who disguised her friendship with ulterior motives. That wasn’t cool.

    Like

  10. Sorry for long response. I smell motive with intent all over him…….I think that you did the right thing by declining his request to help him out with his resume. I get the vibe that deep within you really loath him in some kind of a way. It’s almost like you have wanted to tell him to kick rocks up hill with no shoes on…but he was a buddy of some sort that you could confide in when necessary. So therefore he had his limited place with you in the meantime.

    I think he burned his bridge with you a long time ago when he gave you the ultimatum to come to his house and give it up or he was done. Also, he let you know in his response to your singleness that his sole focus about you was thoughts of being intimate with you. If not, why would he say….that something must be wrong with you because with a body like yours you should not be single….SNAP!!! As you say he was in his feelings. He is probably having relationship problems and trying to test the water to see if you are vulnerable enough to help him out and then he would put his move down. I think he wanted to update his resume status with you to check your status and see if there was an open position in your organization….Feel me?

    The key to any friendship is setting boundaries and having self respect and self control. You must know who you are dealing with in a relationship and be open to introduce your friends to your SO. No your place and don’t be insecure. You must disclose these things and communicate about them in the beginning especially if your friends are single which then makes your good friend a awkward conversation later. The more you talk about a friend is where the insecurities come in. Let your friends stay in the friends lane, if not there will be a collision.

    You cannot expect a man or a woman not to have friends of the opposite sex that is not realistic. So it is either going to happen by choice or force. Usually when you open up and the friends come around you usually don’t want to be their friend in that capacity anymore because you start to think about your boo thang or SO. The answer about friendships are in the cell phone. Every man has women numbers and vise verse in which they label as a friend of some sort.

    If any person had to be around just one person for multiple years and never had any other personalities of the opposite sex to connect with things will get boring and folk become bitter. I’ve seen it happen so many times. I applaud you my dear sister for closing the door. This brother had his foot in the crack of the door hoping to push his way in on a friend….I pray you locked the door and threw away the key…and painted the peep hole…LOL Friendships….season…reason..some a lifetime.

    Like

    • Lol. Too funny. Well he was offended and hasn’t reached out or responded since. I do feel bad, knowing him so long, but there’s another one going right behind him.

      Most male friends will probably take the opportunity to sleep with an attractive female friend, but some will consider residual feelings or potential backlash, and some are just not interested. I try to gauge each person as they come but I Have been naive in the past, thinking guys are just being helpful. Right!!!!!!

      I didn’t feel any urge to get rid of him as a friend, but I did sense resentment when I wrote the post. Like she can’t know you talk to me, but you’re asking for a favor that your SO should help with. I understand that he knows I’m a writer and probably trusted me to do a better job.

      And I agree that most of us have acquaintances of the opposite sex, but oversharing intimate details with them takes away from your primary relationship. I’m single, but I will never commit to not having male acquaintances. Just have to trust. Without being naive.

      Thanks for such a thoughtful response!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. This: “The key to any friendship is setting boundaries and having self respect and self control.” Although my boundaries were a bit loose, as written in my post “The House Party”, I remained loyal friends with the women that I was close with. There’s no way that I could have that level of aloofness while being in a committed relationship. Completely off topic, but I got to comment twice on this post with two different user names. Sweet! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

Please chime in here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: