Remember the post I wrote a while ago titled Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motives? About a long-time male friend who asked me to consider a serious relationship with him? And a series of dates that stopped short of romance?
Well here’s a short recap of a few issues I laid out:
- Dating standards
- Male friends who try to move out of the friend zone and into a romantic relationship
- How long is too long to be single?
I was thrilled to receive so many interesting comments from readers. (Thanks everyone!) I’m highlighting a couple of responses that addressed the issue of how long is too long when it comes to being single.
Laurie Harriton, my high school drama teacher, offered this advice:
A year and a half is NOTHiNG for being single. Your friend is trying to get a rise out of you by needling what he correctly intuits is an insecure spot in your otherwise powerful persona. If he gets no response, he will stop. All the fun will be gone. He is SO wrong that the only correct response is a gentle laugh, and the words, “It’s not long. I’m cool with exploring till I find the right match.” You’ve got your family, your education, and your good job! The only use you have for a man is love, laughter, and intellectual stimulation. If you want sex, you can get it by snapping your fingers. if you want an overpowering romantic experience that flips you out and then goes nowhere, you can snap your fingers twice. But if you want a real life companion, you need to chill. You have TIME not to settle for less, and it takes time. RELAX….
I felt so empowered by this response that I immediately started snapping my fingers after reading it!!!
Petralovecoach, a UK-based life and relationship coach offered this advice:
My opinion: a year and a half of singleness is not too long… it does not mean there is something wrong with you, or your choice of men. Being attractive does not land you back-to-back boyfriends – unless you are really needy and extremely non-picky. Besides, being single until you are sure what you are looking for is good… we need some time between relationships to heal, as well as analyse what and why we want different next time. On the other hand, when I read the descriptions of all the men you have considered – they do seem like a pretty random bunch… seems like you don’t have a problem meeting guys, which is great – half the job done But, if you are looking for something serious, try defining what is it that makes you and keeps you “high” long term, what is it that you really need, what makes you feel good in a relationship… it will clear the way to get the right guy faster, and minimise wasting your time on people you don’t have potential with… if you want to minimise it. Also, try to think about what you willing to give and invest into a relationship… and does it match your demands. Someone who will fit you well will have similar values and admire similar qualities in you that you like in him. Hope this helps add a bit of clarity. Cheers and good luck!
I agree with both perspectives. A year and a half is not too long to be single. Although I want a committed relationship at some point, my standards aren't going anywhere, and there's no reason for me to rush out and get a man today. Being single has its benefits. As Petralovecoach stated, time in between romantic relationships is necessary for healing. Time is also useful for reassessing what it is you want in a partner and what you have to offer someone. I know exactly which traits to appreciate in a partner who will keep me on a sustainable, natural high and I have no intention on settling for less. Ideally, he will admire similar traits in me. (I'm getting excited thinking about it!)
For the first time in a while, I actually SEE men. It's nothing for several men to tell me that I'm beautiful on a given day. But instead just saying thank you and hurrying along without making eye contact, I say it with a half smile and an acknowledgement. Now, I can spot a man and say to myself "hmmm, hes cute" and salivate a bit with a kind of wide-eye, rather than keeping a straight face. I never approach men, but I can give "the look" if I want to. I'm more aware of the refreshing scent of great cologne.
Now back to Laurie's comment. Love, laughter and intellectual stimulation sound so enticing. (Snap, snap, snap!!!) Even more enticing, is the idea of having all that with a life partner. 🙂 Snapping once might be really convenient. Hmmm. If I snap two or more times, I could get all caught up in a passionate love affair, forgetting that– Well, never mind. In the meantime, SNAPS!!!
Shout out to all my single ladies! Chill. RELAX. Snap your fingers! Keep your standards high. Enjoy yourselves! You will attract what you want soon enough.
And to all happily involved or married ladies, continue to love, honor and cherish your mate!
Click here to read Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motives.
If you like this post, please feel free to leave thoughts or comments. They are much appreciated.
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So Interesting!!!!!! I just love how you can relate to many of us. I must agree , standards need to be kept high!
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Thank you. I’m so glad you can relate to the piece. I appreciate you reading and commenting! 🙂
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Not quite sure if I agree with all of what Petral’ said.
As to the topic of approaching; women don’t approach men. You’ve made that clear that, so the notion that girls should or may have to be out there approaching men who fit their ideal requirements is a lost cause. Men are hunters by nature; so we approach women.
Anyway, being single isn’t th e worst thing, but it’s more pressure-filled for women in the sense that a single man can go around banging 100’s of chics and gain social value from it. While a single girl cannot do that. So being single is great for men but an ego-deflating thing for women.
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First off, thank you for commenting! I do agree that women should not pursue men although I’m not averse to subtly letting one know you’re interested. Men talk to me all the time without me putting forth any effort to spark conversation. If he’s interested, it won’t be hard to tell!
As for your other point, bedding different women can definitely be an ego boost to a man, although I’ve met young men who focused more on the quality of the woman even when they weren’t interested in pursuing anything serious. It was odd at first, but they do exist.
As far as being single leading to ego-deflation in women, I feel differently. Knowing that I can have sex or have a relationship if I want to – but exercising self control and discretion makes me feel better about myself as a woman. It’s nothing to go on a date, have some conversation and a man becomes interested. But I need to feel equally excited. I’m excited about the possibilities. I can use this time to ogle good looking men. Lol.
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Key word is subtle as you said. Seems like you got skills lol!
That’s typically the case in courtship or at any venue or outing, the girl send out cues (as we call them in the seduction community: SOI’s). It’s up to the guys who are socially savvy enough to catch it. But generally, men are stupid at reading signs and cues and clues.
As to sexual discretion; sure! But you do agree that women are still more reluctant to sleep around if word would get around?
Sent from my BlackBerry® device
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As usual well put together. Im laughing about just looking straight not responding to another mans hello or comments when u were in a relationship. Girl you were definitely that commented. But u know now it sure feels good to look, wonder and respond. I still do it lol, but that’s just me, love to be flirty when the approach happens. Nothing like a sexy good smelling man tryna get at you walking to/ from work or just out and about especially on a Sat morning just running to the store n u know u look a mess but he as a real man see more
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Love this comment! Thank you! Yesss. Nothing like that type of good smelling man you describe. And yes it’s interesting how they try to get at us when WE feel we look a hot mess but they see the natural beauty. More men approach on those days when I’m just out and about, not trying. And yup it feels great to look, wonder – and flirt. Lol
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Wow. Didn’t see this. And now I do! Loved Petra’s advice too. Relax, take your time, and smell the roses…
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Thank you, Laurie!
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