The Good Wife

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “wife material.” Per urban dictionary (I know, I know…), that means “a girl you would consider perfect enough to marry one day.”

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Of course I’ve given this some thought because I write about dating and relationships and I observe couples all the time. Aside from that, I’m in a partnership.

What makes a man choose a woman to be his wife? (Of course women choose too, and have a say in being chosen, but that’s a topic for another day.) What qualities are men typically looking for? Common themes I hear as far as good qualities are: nurturing, responsible, knows how to manage a home, etc.

And then some men marry ratchet women. But ratchet is as ratchet does in all cases. That’s not what we’re talking about here.

I turned this question on myself. What are some of my best qualities that might bring balance to a partnership? Aside from being nurturing, I bring resilience to the table. That “ride or die” spirit I was born with, and cultivated as a poor girl growing up in Brooklyn. I’m resourceful. According to my partner, I’m very determined and creative. He says it’s burdensome on a man to have to come up with solutions to everything – from how to fix a doorknob to a “whole life” plan. Creativity and intelligence are important to him. (And so are cooking skills!)

A Few Things I Miss About the Single Life

And then I turned the question on a few men I know – just to bring the male perspective (and some balance) into this. Here are the qualities they’re looking for (or already have) in a potential wife:

Guy #1

Her values when it comes to raising your kids.
Of course physical attraction.

Guy #2

Every guy has his own things he’d like but some guys say She must be Loyal, sexual, she must have a great heart, she’s gotta be able to cook, she’s gotta have old school mom like qualities. Meaning how mothers would pretty much run the house, feed everybody and hold down a 9-5.

Guy #3

Hustle skills, home skills — Hustle skills meaning how do you make money…

Guy #4

1. Our core belief in who and what God is, has to be aligned
2. Our Callings/Life missions must be kindred and important to one
another
3. Be sexually and physically compatible
4. Better with $ than me. Much better. LOL
5. Love Children/Family
6. Make the House we build a Home.

I’m Engaged! Haters Gonna Hate?

Responses varied, as expected. There’s no one-size-fit-all answer, but we can find common threads if we look.

Everyone is looking for what or who floats their boat. And that’s a beautiful thing because there are just so many flavors and personalities of women along different spectrums.

I got to thinking though… Maybe we give too much power and thought to the term “wife material.” In some ways, it’s used to slight unmarried women by insinuating that we’re not “worthy” of being chosen, or that we’re lacking in some way.

On the other hand, I’m unbothered – and self assured. We all like what we like. My self-worth isn’t determined by what bucket a man places me in. And the term “material” doesn’t have to be taken so literally. Or does it?

*******

What do you think of the term wife material? Do you use the term to describe yourself or your woman, or the one you would look to marry?

Have you considered your best qualities and what you bring to the table to balance out a marriage or partnership?

What are some of the qualities you look for in a partner? Did any of my friends’ answers resonate with you?



Categories: Advice, Blogging, Inspiration, Polls

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20 replies

  1. I think that in the end, there’s really no way of knowing. Wife material is almost like the expression ‘whistling past the graveyard’. I know, not terribly romantic of me! lol Anyway, what I mean by that is the expression is really meant to be self assuring for the men. There’s a certain level of masquerade that we wear during courting and that doesn’t rub off for a long time. After that, it’s all about working towards a common goal and lots of compromise.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never used the term myself. In fact, I tend to take the opposite approach—i.e., looking at whether or not I have the qualities that would make me worthy of the woman I am interested in. Probably not the smartest approach, as it means that self-doubt usually wins out, and that I have often talked myself out of potential long-term relationships (still do, actually) because I saw differences between us as reasons why she would not be interested in me.

    Now, I did manage to get married. Although it didn’t last, I did learn that there are things I contribute to a partnership. I am reliable; I do a good job of managing the household finances and making sure the bills are paid (thanks to me, my ex’s credit rating improved dramatically while we were married); I am very good at picking the perfect gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays (and keeping them secret in the meantime); I am flexible; and I get along well with most folks (even the ones I don’t particularly like).

    Qualities I look for (in no special order): Intelligence, a sense of humor, sincerity/authenticity, flexibility, empathy/understanding, reliability, creativity. Naturally, I’d like her to be physically attractive, but I don’t have specific criteria for what “physically attractive” is. The most important thing to me is that we be comfortable with each other—without that, how can we truly be partners?

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    • Sweet! You bring a lot of great qualities to the table. Who doesn’t want improved credit?! I think your approach is both interesting and useful. Being a great partner requires the ability to do a self -assessment, which clearly you’ve done. You were already worthy.

      Like

  3. I’ve used that termed before. As you stated wife material would be the core values that I’m sure every man who is seeking a good wife would want. Someone who is faithful, kind, unselfish, helps her man and loves him exclusively. Just my definition of it. As for what I bring to the table, is my heart. All of it. Besides the other things that we as men is supposed to have to support a household. I also agree what Kevin said in his last paragraph. That also resonates with me.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wifey Material

    Somebody that understands him along with all of his strengths and weaknesses. We need to have some kind of sense of humor. A woman that can cook, hold a job , take care of the kids and household all at the same time. Must be able to provide emotional support and very affectionate. Most men are looking for us to be considerate and respectful.

    All of the above is what they WANT.

    I don’t use the term “wifey material” to describe myself , but I consider myself wifey material. That’s what men would describe me as but in my eye I’m just being a woman and doing what I feel is right.

    If I had to describe some of my best qualities it would be …. I have the ability to solve problems. I’m very sociable and approachable. I have always been honest and understanding. Being respectful is very important to me. I’m also strong minded.

    I expect the same things out of my partner but I do know men are not as affectionate as women. So with that being said…. Some things will not balance out.😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hmm. Yes, I definitely see common threads between what you’re saying (cook, take care of the kids, etc) and what some of the males have said. And consideration and respect should be at the core of all relationships. As far as your qualities, I say you’re also creative (especially with crafts, braiding, etc) and balanced in your thinking. Of course you’re “wife material!” Thx for chiming in.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. LOL “rachet is as rachet does” that’s priceless I need to use that! Great Post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes you never really know… you think you know a man after five years and then you discover you don’t….you think they fit into your definitions of a good wife or good husband… and you discover after a while you were wrong…but then, sometimes everything turns out really well….

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Good article! It’s good to never forget what you bring into the relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Never really liked to use that term , but I’ll explain what I would look for in my future wife. COMMUNICATION and UNDERSTANDING is huge with me. I have to be able to talk with my partner about any and everything with no filter. I need her to also understand me as a person and understand the way i think. That doesn’t mean she needs to agree with everything i think or say though. Loyalty and honesty are big thing with me. If you’re not honest with your partner I don’t see how you can truly be happy. Physical attraction, caring and loving personality, nurterer, knows how to take care of a home, and always be supportive of me through my hardships and my successes. With all this being said I need to have great chemistry with my partner. The relationship should feel very natural and we need to be genuinely happy with each other. If whatever is going on in your relationship doesn’t make you happy then you need to reevaluate what you have going on, period.

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  9. I’ve been in many relationships, including two marriages. So wife material to me was based on my maturity. I was pregnant and wanted to create a home and work. Check. Divorce. I was in love and wanted to stay that way. Check. Divorce. So…am I wife material? Maybe when it comes to being military in planning, cooking, and whatever. But back in the day, I was a bit too selfish and defensive about not being good enough.

    Now? It’s about sex, fun, love, respect, and not taking your partner for granted. All in that order. Check. So far so good.

    Btw…this is a “pretty awesome” blog. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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