So listen to this. I met a Chinese guy. First time. I’ve never had one show obvious interest in me. He asked me to lunch. I thought about it for a day and said okay.
I’ll just tell you guys right off the bat that I’ve never dated interacially. And at the risk of being politically incorrect, I will also tell you that I prefer black men. Anytime I do a double-take for a man (in the rare instance), he’s brown skinned. Well, the majority of the time anyway. I just saw this VERY attractive white guy on the train this morning. He had these deep-set, intriguing brown eyes with thick bushy brows and a squarish forehead. I peeped his grey suede shoes too, paired with indigo jeans. He seemed really surprised when I said “you have really nice eyes.” I kept moving past him, through the train car, but I heard him say, “Really?? Thank you.” Damn. There’s just something about a masculine, well-defined (physically), well put together, well-spoken, nice smelling chocolate brother. Damn! And don’t let him have a broad, sculpted back!
But wait, despite all that, I realize that love and romance don’t always show up in the packaging we expect. And if I was intrigued and pursued by a suitable, non-black candidate, I would give it some thought. And I probably wouldn’t think too hard if he looked like dude on the train. I’m lying. I would over think that.
Jump to our first TEXT conversation last Saturday. Mr. Chin did a few things that raised my eyebrow:
–texted me a picture of his toddler. She’s probably three years old and obviously of mixed race. I’m not really FOR meeting people’s children upfront. It’s not about them, initially. But hey, that’s just my view.
–we texted back and forth for a few hours and he never asked if he could call. Okay.
–he constantly referred to me as “babes.” Really?
–and I can’t forget his pickup line: “I think we would make pretty babies together. Little Tiger Woods…”
I let all that slide because it was really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. And I did laugh here and there, so he had a sense of humor.
Anyway, he asked if I was going out since it was Saturday night. I was heading to Manhattan to hang out with a friend, but I wasn’t too comfortable with him tagging along (how the hell would I get rid of him if he was annoying? And why would I bring sand to the beach not knowing if it would make the beach better?), so I turned him down when he asked if he could meet up with me to buy me one drink and hug me and my friends. (Um hmm). I also didn’t think it was the best idea for him to see me looking like a sex kitten (or whatever!). Too soon.
So guess what Mr. Chin said when I told him I’d be all dolled up soon.
“Nah u won’t be ready till midnight. All black women take forever to get ready. I know I’ve dated plenty to say it.”
Excuse me? “You dated THAT many black women and still don’t know better than to make comments about ALL black women? None of them checked you?”
Mr. Chin replied “no, because they’re wrong.”
At that point, I knew he wouldn’t be meeting me in the city and that we would never have lunch. I would never even see him again.
I don’t care how many black women you date, or how many mixed race babies you have, in my book, you don’t get a pass to talk about us. I can’t stand to hear black men generalize about ALL black women, and I damn sure won’t sit and listen to him do it. As individuals, we’re all complex. As a black woman, I think that I’m especially complex. Sure I have common issues and struggles with other women and with humanity, but at the same time, I have a whole different set of challenges and experiences compared to other ethnicities. Mr. Chin hasn’t lived that. Same way I haven’t lived his experience.
Sure I went off on a tangent, but one comment about ALL black women would have led to another and another. And I’m not here for that. Not here for being annoyed or upset about constantly having to defend myself, or ALL black women. What you see is what you get.
My message to him was: “I’ve never dated interracially. I was going to consider it, but I decided I’m not interested. Thanks.”
Far cry from what I really wanted to say, which is “fuck you.”
His response: “Thanks for dumping me. I would have done the same thing. I didn’t know you lived so far and had kids.”
Well, good. I did him a favor. Did us both a favor.
Have you dated interracially? Or even married, for that matter? What has that experience been? How do you deal with the issue of generalizations and stereotypes about race? Do you think Mr. Chin was out of line?