A Date With Mr. Chin (Almost)

So listen to this.  I met a Chinese guy. First time. I’ve never had one show obvious interest in me. He asked me to lunch. I thought about it for a day and said okay.

I’ll just tell you guys right off the bat that I’ve never dated interacially. And at the risk of being politically incorrect, I will also tell you that I prefer black men. Anytime I do a double-take for a man (in the rare instance), he’s brown skinned. Well,  the majority of the time anyway. I just saw this VERY attractive white guy on the train this morning. He had these deep-set, intriguing brown eyes with thick bushy brows and a squarish forehead. I peeped his grey suede shoes too, paired with indigo jeans. He seemed really surprised when I said “you have really nice eyes.” I kept moving past him, through the train car, but I heard him say, “Really?? Thank you.” Damn. There’s just something about a masculine, well-defined (physically), well put together, well-spoken, nice smelling chocolate brother. Damn! And don’t let him have a broad, sculpted back!

But wait,  despite all that,  I realize that love and romance don’t always show up in the packaging we expect. And if I was intrigued and pursued by a suitable, non-black candidate, I would give it some thought. And I probably wouldn’t think too hard if he looked like dude on the train. I’m lying. I would over think that.

asian man black woman

Jump to our first TEXT conversation last Saturday. Mr. Chin did a few things that raised my eyebrow:

–texted me a picture of his toddler. She’s probably three years old and obviously of mixed race. I’m not really FOR meeting people’s children upfront. It’s not about them, initially. But hey, that’s just my view.

–we texted back and forth for a few hours and he never asked if he could call. Okay.

–he constantly referred to me as “babes.” Really?

–and I can’t forget his pickup line: “I think we would make pretty babies together. Little Tiger Woods…”

I let all that slide because it was really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. And I did laugh here and there, so he had a sense of humor.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Anyway, he asked if I was going out since it was Saturday night. I was heading to Manhattan to hang out with a friend, but I wasn’t too comfortable with him tagging along (how the hell would I get rid of him if he was annoying? And why would I bring sand to the beach not knowing if it would make the beach better?), so I turned him down when he asked if he could meet up with me to buy me one drink and hug me and my friends. (Um hmm). I also didn’t think it was the best idea for him to see me looking like a sex kitten (or whatever!). Too soon.

So guess what Mr. Chin said when I told him I’d be all dolled up soon.

“Nah u won’t be ready till midnight. All black women take forever to get ready. I know I’ve dated plenty to say it.”

Excuse me? “You dated THAT many black women and still don’t know better than to make comments about ALL black women? None of them checked you?”

Mr. Chin replied “no, because they’re wrong.”

At that point, I knew he wouldn’t be meeting me in the city and that we would never have lunch. I would never even see him again.

image

I don’t care how many black women you date, or how many mixed race babies you have, in my book, you don’t get a pass to talk about us. I can’t stand to hear black men generalize about ALL black women, and I damn sure won’t sit and listen to him do it. As individuals, we’re all complex. As a black woman, I think that I’m especially complex. Sure I have common issues and struggles with other women and with humanity, but at the same time, I have a whole different set of challenges and experiences compared to other ethnicities. Mr. Chin hasn’t lived that. Same way I haven’t lived his experience.

Sure I went off on a tangent, but one comment about ALL black women would have led to another and another. And I’m not here for that. Not here for being annoyed or upset about constantly having to defend myself, or ALL black women. What you see is what you get.

My message to him was: “I’ve never dated interracially. I was going to consider it, but I decided I’m not interested. Thanks.”

Far cry from what I really wanted to say, which is “fuck you.”

His response: “Thanks for dumping me. I would have done the same thing. I didn’t know you lived so far and had kids.”

Well, good. I did him a favor. Did us both a favor.

Have you dated interracially? Or even married, for that matter? What has that experience been? How do you deal with the issue of generalizations and stereotypes about race? Do you think Mr. Chin was out of line?



Categories: Dating Stories, NaBloPoMo, Personal Stories, Rants

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

31 replies

  1. I’ve dated interracial before. I’m actually the only one out of my group of close friends that has a Black girl.

    You have generalizations about every race. That’s just part of the game. I don’t really trip when someone says something to me because that’s the point. He wanted to get a reaction and he got one. You played into the stereotype that you told him you were not.

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    • No. His stereotype was about all black women taking hours upon hours to get ready. Not an insulting thing really (I do take forever to get ready), but I don’t need him to be the authority on how black women act just because he’s dated them. And I wound up staying home so I didn’t play into anything. Lol.

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  2. I do think he was out of line. He made a generalization without evening knowing you. It makes me wonder what other stereotypes he believed about black women.

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  3. Wow! I have never dated interracially, but I have considered it…the young white doctor at the ER, the FINE white guy on the train the other day…never thought about Asians, and I will leave my stereotypical comment about why to myself. But getting past historical stereotypes, generalizations and racism are at the forefront if reasons

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    • I don’t think it would work. I don’t think he even knew he was out of line because he has obviously dealt with black women who accepted or were used to his type of man.

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      • I don’t think he knew either. It’s possible that I’m very sensitive to generalizations about black women because I hear/ read so many every day. But in general women take longer to get ready than men (hair, makeup, coordinating outfits, etc) so it didn’t have to be an ALL black women thing.

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  4. Wow. He sounds terrible. Maybe the reason he has dated so many black women is that none of them want to go out with him again.

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  5. Um yeah he was definitely out of line and sounds like he has a fetish– also, any guy who talks about making babies before you even make a date needs to be removed from the deck. Totally weird.

    I’ve been in one interracial relationship– it ended horribly but I think it had more to do with the fact he was twice my age and certified crazy. Race never really came up except when he made fun of my Afam degree.

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    • I was thinking he had a fetish too, thanks. and he talked too far ahead like “you live far, so it would be too hard to stalk you. If I fall in love, I need to see you everyday.” I took it with a grain of salt because he liked joking, but still raised an eyebrow. I’m always suspicious! He talked about babies and immediately sent me a picture of his.

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  6. Oh no! The nerve of him! I’m interracial however I don’t think I could ever date interracial. For one any “black girl” comment would piss me off. And it would seem hard to relate.

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  7. I have dated interracially in the past and I don’t think there’s anything wrong about that. I love diversity!! As a matter of fact, I have a husband who’s of Puerto Rican decent whom Ive been married to for 22years now! I am 100% Filipino and til this day, we remain strong and manage to get along throughout our marriage. We may have our differences of opinions but it was never about color. I also have a 19yr old daughter who has a relationship with her boyfriend for a year and 1/2 and he’s Jamaican and they are good with each other!!!
    As for Mr. Chin, in general all women take forever to get ready. I’m one to take long to get ready lol! My Hubby is always waiting for me in the car while I’m the last one to get out the door. Xoxo

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    • 🙂 lovely response. Congrats on that strong marriage and beautiful family! I’m sure many interracial marriages and relationships work just fine, without the issue of race being a problem. And I take forever to get ready too! I would’ve taken it as a joke if he said “women” versus “all black women.” I sensed that he had a lot more ideas about ALL black women, so I nipped it in the bud. I appreciate you chiming in!

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  8. I have dated interracially in the past and I don’t think there’s anything wrong about that. I love diversity!! As a matter of fact, I have a husband who’s of Puerto Rican decent whom Ive been married to for 22years now! I am 100% Filipino and til this day, we remain strong and manage to get along throughout our marriage. We may have our differences of opinions but it was never about color. I also have a 19yr old daughter who has a relationship with her boyfriend for a year and 1/2 and he’s Jamaican and they are good with each other!!!
    As for Mr. Chin, in general all women take forever to get ready. I’m one to take long to get ready lol! My Hubby is always waiting for me in the car while I’m the last one to get out the door. Xoxo

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  9. Generalizations in general (not sure if pun…), piss me off. you don’t know me. You can’t fit me into a box. If you’re going to be so quick to judge, then I will too. GTFO of my life. (would be my reaction)

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  10. I think , he’s dated a lot of black ( skin color ) girls and didn’t know the difference btwn that and a black woman. The others probably presented themselves that of another ethnic ( not to sound steriotistic myself ) but there’s a lot of uncle tom kisses asses out there.

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  11. Well, our website and blog are all about interracial dating … so, we’re obviously experienced in and partial to the subject. Don’t let one bad experience taint you to the idea. And yes … he was out of line. His loss!!!

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