Naturally, I was sitting in bed on a Sunday night – reading, and crafting blog posts, because NaBloPoMo has me completely obsessed about posting something every single day for the month of November.
Plus I was conversing with a friend on and off all day yesterday about this guy she’s in love with. He’s a very close friend (close enough to spend lots of time at her house cooking, helping with her son, doing chores, etc. and having regular dinner dates with her). She’s afraid to tell him how she really feels about him because of his asshole behavior. They have a love/ hate, or passive/ aggressive relationship, but he has a long list of great qualities. I’m almost certain that he already knows and has feelings too, but I’m on the outside looking in.
Anyway, I opened the book Mars and Venus on a Date to page 318, and read this paragraph:
I’m not here to express an opinion on my friend’s situation (she won’t mind if you do though), but I see myself in this quote too. As far as being able to appreciate and accept men much more – now that I’ve been single for more than two years and now that I am highly aware of my needs for a man (in a healthy way), I’m very specific about what I want.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m ready to give the ax to any man who deserves it. See several stories on my blog about prospective dates who got the boot: First Date: What’s Your Take?, No Stalkers Please!! – The Date That Never Happened, A Date With Mr. Chin (Almost), Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motives. That won’t change. (No games being played.)
At the same time, I’ve gained some perspective.
1) The last time I fell for a guy, I was in deep denial. Because it probably couldn’t work. [In my obsessive voice] He was too young, he wanted three children, he wasn’t ready, he was emotionally unavailable, I was unsure, could this really work?, how does he really feel?, I’m a professional and he’s just trying to start a career. Blah, blah, blah. My heart was saying one thing, but my mind was saying another. I thought my feelings were obvious because why else would we be spending so much time together? Why would I be losing sleep to break day with him? My point is, I never expressed how I really felt and I sabotaged the whole situation. Actually, I ended it. In his mind, I would’ve never taken him seriously (for some of my logical reasons above). No regrets, because everything works out for the best.
2) Also, in acknowledging the need for a man in a healthy way (not limited to sex, by the way), you become more receptive and open to potential love interests.
We’ve all had practice with lames, and after a while, your intuition should become pretty sharp. Have no problem saying Nexxxttt!!!, if necessary, but if the vibes are good, and the guy is not a creep, we can be more willing to set rigid rules aside and be receptive when he extends himself. If he’s genuinely interested, that will bring out the best in him.
He may not say things exactly the way I would prefer, or approach me the way I envision it, or wear the right shoes. He may not even be packaged the way I expect (he does have to work out). I might even let him slide on planning a first date (which I dislike – you asked me out, so get creative.) But I will appreciate that he’s trying, as long as he is honest about his intentions and his actions match his words. Makes sense, right?
Certain things won’t change. I’m flawed. I have a sensual and tough exterior, which keeps men guessing. (oooh, I like that!) But I will do my best to Trust the Process, versus sabotaging it.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone? How did it turn out? If you have feelings for someone (assuming you are both single), do you tell them, or hope it’s obvious? Have you ever been single for a long period of time? What did you learn?