And Now He Wanna Come Back

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Are you a woman who has male friends? Do any of those friends happen to be your ex?

Are you a man who has that one ex or long-term friend who you’d rekindle things with in a heartbeat if she were open to it? But you remain in the friend zone because that’s where she keeps you?

Well, I’ve been in the first situation. I’ve had old flames proposition me to be their woman again.

But you know what I find? A lot of men who come back 5, 10, or 20 years later will expect a woman to hand them something that a stranger would work their ass off court her for – a romantic relationship that includes sex! In other words, they have a sense of ENTITLEMENT.

They hit you with: “Let’s start over right where we left off. I been out there long enough now; I’m ready to settle down. I need somebody I can trust.” And then the classic “When can I see you and spend some time?”

Eeerrrggghhkkk!! (insert loud screeching noise.)

Chances are, if he abandoned the relationship, things weren’t going all that great from his perspective. (He’ll chalk it up to immaturity.) Maybe he’s been married once or twice since the fallout. Maybe he’s been to prison. Or maybe he’s been busy playing the field or advancing his career. Perhaps he’s been stuck in the friend zone. It doesn’t matter.

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A woman should never serve relationship goods to a man who’s been missing in action – or on the sidelines, just because one day he woke up and decided she’s “the one.” Naw motherf*cker – prove it.

I’ve always had this personal philosophy of never going backwards when it comes to relationships. It’s likely that I felt some type of way when things ended (distraught), and once I’ve healed and forgiven and overanalyzed the situation to death, I close the chapter. That’s not to say I dont have a couple of male friends whom I’ve dated at some point (and some people think that’s a mistake women make – keeping male friends), and I have platonic male friends whom I’ve never dated. I value them because they know me better than most. And as long as everybody is cool, that’s cool. Will they accept intimacy if I serve it up? (Well, I don’t know! Hmm.)

But before I digress completely, exes who wanna come back to a quality woman is a common occurrence. The question is, how do you (as a woman) deal with that?

-Should you reestablish or maintain a friendship with a man who is in love with you – even if it’s platonic from your standpoint?

-Is it selfish to flirt with him or entertain him with intimate conversation knowing you have no interest in pursuing anything?

-If you decide to entertain him as far as wanting to pursue something serious, what are your expectations/ conditions? Does he need to jump through hoops, and have his actions match his words (of course to the latter part)?

Despite my philosophy, I’m not totally averse to rekindling healthy relationships with exes, although sometimes it only takes a short minute to be reminded why they’re an ex in the first place.

After all – you never know where and when you’ll find love. (cliche, cliche) My bit of advice would be to take things slow and see where his heart is. Build a friendship and lay a solid foundation before seriously entertaining the idea. Keep doing you (just like you’ve been doing in his absence). If he loves you and is interested, he’ll get in where he fits in and exercise patience. As a woman of substance, you’re worth it.

What are your thoughts on rekindling romantic relationships with exes? Have you ever been on either side of this situation?



Categories: Advice

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32 replies

  1. I’m all for breaks and rekindling things.

    If it wasn’t for that spirit in me (rekindling), I would be a total asshole who’s just concerned with one night stands and send her on her way. Well that’s kinda how I do it but if she’s my girl or an ex, I’d be open to entertaining a rekindlement.

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  2. Okay. You know that old saying? You don’t miss your water until the well runs dry. After running around in the desert with no water chasing oasis after oasis, then come to realize that the real thing was in paradise. Most common.
    I feel you on the comeback. And agree with you. If he/she really wants to sincerely be back, then prove it dude/dudette without a hidden agenda!!!
    Now for the just friends thing, in some cases that would be the most promising. Reason being the person knows almost all about you and vise versa. But it have to be mutual.

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    • Great points. People mess up (men and women). Its up to the individual to decide if they can get past trangressions and be open to love with someone who realizes their well ran dry.

      Good point regarding ulterior motives as well.

      I’ve found that if a man is weak or deviant enough to do certain things, that’s just their character. I had a guy cheat and get someone pregnant. Instead of manning up, he said he needed space. I gave it to him. Come to find out – 8 months later through someone else, the woman gave birth to a ten pound baby boy. He has my number and calls ever so often (after 11 years of never seeing or speaking to him). I would never trust him enough to have a special place in my life. I see that weakness as a major character flaw – up there with pathological liars.

      I guess I digressed, but it depends on what happened and if you’re fully healed and open. I try not to give people the opportunity to betray me again.

      Thanks for your insightful comment!

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  3. I’m one who would rekindle with an ex (depending on why she became my ex) I think ppl mature/change so SOMETIMES (see the emphasis on sometimes) giving an old relationship a 2nd shot isn’t always a bad idea. Of course showing and proving yourself to an ex is a hard task, mainly because we’re almost anticipating to see the flaws that made you the ex in the 1st place. I’m still good with a couple of ex’s but never tried to rekindle anything, perhaps if my current situation dosent work out perhaps I’ll try the rekindle thing and chime back in on it.

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    • I like that your response is so candid. Yes, case by case basis. I think it’s true that people can mature and change; it’s a natural part of the growth process.

      I’ve taken a rigid stance on this, but my philosophy hasnt been sufficiently challenged on a personal level.

      Thank you. 🙂

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  4. It has been my own personal experience that what made the person ur ex in the first place is still part of the equation, whether its personal, financial, communicative, etc. I have learned my lesson about rekindling with an ex. It is comfortable and feels good in the beginning cause you already know each other, but before long it feels like u never left in the first place. But it is a case by case basis, both parties would have to be mature enough to not bring the old baggage into the new relationship

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  5. Ive been on both sides, I’ve been dumped and I have been the dumper. In the case of getting dumped when he realised what he had and was missing and wanted me to take him back I did but I did it so I could hurt him back, we all know what they say ” pay back is a B” but hey I know two wrongs don’t make a right but it sure make u feel better ( at least it did for me ). Now on the other hand when the dumped guy wanted me back I took him back too but always had wonders as to his motivates ( due to my thinkings)

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    • I gotta give it to you. Lol. You think differently than most women. I would’ve never considered rekindling things just to hurt the person back! But that just confirms its all up to the individual and what his/ her motivations are. It could also confirm why it’s best to move on for good in most cases. Thanks for chiming in as usual!

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    • Whoa!!!!
      That’s living the ultimate ”Trife Life” I don’t know what’s worse, getting dumped cause you’re not compatible with someone or purposely getting back with someone with the sole intent to cause emotional pain. Wait, I know which is worse, a woman scorned whose heart is made out of nails. Perhaps that mind state is what got u dumped to begin with. Silly him for not recognizing the devil in disguise the 1st and 2nd time around.

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      • Ted, I respect your response but I must say I don’t believe it was so much about not being compatible its more like he was incapable of handling me, he was use to playing games and thought he was good at it, ( NOT ) note to all men reading this, if ur treating ur women wrong and u think ur getting over on her ill say 80% of u are not. Trust I wasn’t scorn because it was his lost not mine I just felt he needed to rethink his player skills.

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  6. If she’s a quality woman as she say she is, someone else is already going to be trying to wife it or already did before the ex has time to come back around.

    No you shouldn’t do that. A woman should not maintain a fake friendship with a man who still likes her. Especially if she’s looking to get into a relationship. If you want to just be an attention whore, that’s the perfect way to do that. Also, no man in his right mind is going to have his girl hanging out with an ex. That’s super disrespectful to your new dude.

    It’s not selfish. It’s just childish attention whore shit. Value your time better than that. You shouldn’t have time to be playing conversation games.

    If you decided to get with an ex, you should have the same expectations you had the first time you were together. Whatever they did for you to end it, you want to make that doesn’t happen again.

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    • Thanks for chiming in. Hmm. To point one, I agree. That’s why I said “If” she decides to take him back, she should continue doing her own thing. Very true; chances are someone will have already stepped in, but there are periods (no matter how much time has passed), where both parties (the one who wants to rekindle, and the prospect) could be single at the same time. It happens. And men will wait on the sidelines (not necessarily with their life on hold), to get in where they fit in. Plenty of “male friends” do this. That’s why the average man is sensitive to his girl having exes as male friends (as you said, it’s super disrespectful).

      I still wouldn’t necessarily call it a fake friendship, if you have a connection to your ex. Because every relationship has boundaries, and as long as they are clearly established, it can work (ulterior motives are a different thing). I think women have an easier time keeping men in the friend zone and seeing them as “just that” than the other way around. I don’t know, maybe it’s that instinct to smash. LOL>

      As far as expectations, agreed. Same expectations and maybe even higher expectations depending on what happened. With growth and maturity come higher expectations anyway. The same things a man did in his twenties (when he was dating a woman in her twenties, let’s just say) may not be quite as acceptable ten years later.

      Nice points.

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  7. Dis is a nice piece and I know that 9 out of 10 relationships have been thru the break-up and make-up stage. Usually, I would say that once its a break up, it should remain broken and if der should be a make-up, it should be d friendship dat should be mended and not the relationship. I would fondly say “the moment you walk out, be sure to shut the door behind you”. Lol. This is usually the case when he’s the one who took the walk. I’m afraid dat position still hasn’t changed. I guess that’s my Leo-pride @ work. Lol. If he wants back though, I gotta see the genuiness in his actions. He’s gotta work hard and earn my trust again. If I do go back, I’m still gonna be extra-careful. However, if I’m already with someone else, too bad 4 him.

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