I caught up with a friend yesterday at Bill’s Bar and Burger in Rockefeller Center (New York City!)
This is a pic of my doable, but plain house salad topped with a veggie patty (I’m counting calories). I did drizzle on some balsamic vinaigrette to give it a kick. Meh.
As always, we struck up of some interesting conversation on a number of topics. In fact, she’s the one who sparked my thoughts for the post “Is Amazing Worth Waiting For?” – which touched on the idea of settling for “okay” love and partnership when you really want amazing.
Well in addition to chatting about current events and life — the Sandra Bland case, the Eric Garner settlement, the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage, what’s going on with our jobs, raising children, etc. — Gee, we cover a lot when we meet up!! – we also talked about potential points of contention in relationships – what is a long-term relationship? (In her view 5+ years is long term. In my view 3+ years is long term, especially once you hit your mid -30s), general length of time for a man to propose to a woman, should women pick out their own engagement rings, how long of a gap between children is a decent amount of time – and yadda, yadda, yadda.
We also talked about communication in relationships – and how facilitating discussion and “me time” across distance – meaning in long distance relationships, is on another level. My friend – I guess I should give her a name now – Okay “Samantha” offered that women who are in long distance relationships and care less about communication with their lover – or never complain when chat time wanes, might be entertaining someone else closer to home. I chimed in – “or they may feel that if they cause waves in the relationship by complaining – they run the risk of losing the person they love.” In other words, fear of conflict may keep them silent.
Both could be true. And there could be other reasons why complaints would be minimal – she may not be a talker, she may be extremely busy, understanding of his need for space, etc. My view is that communication is the glue in any relationship, and really the bass in my man’s voice just does something to me – brings me down a few octaves – and seeing the way he looks at me when… And I realize that I am about to digress here…
If you know me or read my blog, you know that I’m opinionated and outspoken – honest, and sometimes blunt. My messages usually get ‘delivered.’ I think more good comes from expressing myself than from holding my tongue – especially because once I hear myself talking – and listen to the feedback from my friends (“girl, stop!”), or from my loving man, rational thinking sets in. Haha.
Side note: I’m thankful for my friends – and for him.
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Feel free to chime in on any of the issues we discussed.
What to you constitutes a long term relationship? 1 year? 3 years? 10 years?
How long is too long of a gap between having children? (Samantha says 5 years is the limit.)
How long is too long to wait for a man to propose? When do you think he makes up his mind about whether he wants to get married or not? 6 months? 1 year? 10 years?
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? How important is communication? Why would you think people in long distance relationships might hold back on complaining if they’re unhappy? What is your best advice to those folks?
Have you ever felt insecure about rocking the boat in your relationship by tackling uncomfortable topics? What happened there?
Categories: Blogging201
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My Female Persuasion 
What to you constitutes a long term relationship? 1 year? 3 years? 10 years?
I think that two years is when the relationship changes and becomes ‘serious’.
How long is too long of a gap between having children? (Sheila says 5 years is the limit.)
I have friends who had kids 10 years apart, but I think that takes something away from the sibling experience. Have triplets. 😀
How long is too long to wait for a man to propose? When do you think he makes up his mind about whether he wants to get married or not? 6 months? 1 year? 10 years?
Again, two years is when relationships reach critical mass.
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? No How important is communication? Always is.Why would you think people in long distance relationships might hold back on complaining if they’re unhappy? I don’t know! What is your best advice to those folks?
Have you ever felt insecure about rocking the boat in your relationship by tackling uncomfortable topics? What happened there? No, I think that tackling those topics were important in making my final decision on the relationship. I wouldn’t tackle them early on, but once I felt that the the relationship may move to the next level, then those topics needed to be discussed.
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Hmm. Interesting answers! Thanks. Two years is when things become serious, huh? Funny, I was just thinking this morning that 2 years is a good measure for knowing someone, but there could still be revelations, and I think a lot of men know way sooner than that whether they want to marry a woman. And some know they don’t want to – because “the one” is still out there. I agree with you on tackling topics sooner rather than later, if you’re really interested in the person. But certain things should wait, as you said, until things are progressing to “next level”
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I think that the belief that ‘the one’ is still out there is a crutch to a lot of people. I think it’s a matter of reaching a level of maturity that makes you feel comfortable in compromising. I don’t mean that in a cynical way, just that it does take a lot of letting go and giving in by both people to make it work.
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Doesn’t it though? Those same men sometimes decide to “settle” after 15 years and several children – and get married to the woman who waited all that time. I’ve never been married. If I had, it’s probable that I would be divorced.
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I think the definition of ‘long term’ is about reaching a certain checkpoint in a relationship rather than the passage of time. It just so happens that usually reaching this checkpoint takes several years. But as you get older, I think you become more self-aware and less tolerable to things that are going to waste your time; so things move faster. So a 35 year old in a 2 year relationship is more significant than a 22 year old in a 4 year relationship.
I got out of an 8 year relationship last year and that’s severely wrecked my definition of long term. I’m afraid of things going wrong with another girl so I’m terrified of commitment so me going on more than 3 dates feels “long term”.
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Sorry things didn’t work out! Re 3 dates feeling long term, wow! I think your time frame concept will readjust again. I think a 22 year old in a 4 year relationship could be even more significant – in the grand scheme of things, it depends on how it changes you and your life. But the 22 year old may be more patient with what most ppl deem progress because at 22, most of us we feel we have “time.”
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