So Much To Say, But What Is My Heart Saying?

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Akoma
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"the heart"

Adinkra symbol of patience and tolerance

I’ve been doing a lot of internal work lately and focusing on myself, so I haven’t had many stories to tell. Well I have tons of stories, but the ones that are coming back to me most are about personal relationships – old hurts pertaining to my mother, and connections I’ve made with men (that is an interesting story because it turns out that they are all connected in some way). I thought I felt indifferent about the general less than favorable view I had of her growing up, because I’m a critical thinker with above average intelligence. I forgive her for doing the best she could with the tools she had, based on her own experience or lack thereof. The end. I feel resentment sometimes, but what’s so bad about that?

Moving forward, to me, has meant not rehashing the past ad nauseum. I get really annoyed when people tell the same childhood stories over and over again and stay stuck in the same place mentally. I’ve always thought “move on!” Especially when their growth and progress in this moment is stunted by those old ghosts.

I’ve had traumatic experiences. And yet every day I’ve tried to put one tried to foot in front of the other. I may have been on the floor somewhere, but trying.

Last weekend, I had a few perspective shifts, and I’ll share one with you here. I had posted this on Facebook, but deleted it. (Sometimes I think I’m too “woo woo” for my social media friends.)

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I do stay in my head a lot. And I’m good at counseling others (I guess) because I can see things from different perspectives. That requires no “feeling” on my part.

This wisdom I have may be part of what my mother hated so much about me. I judged her for her mistakes and indiscretions because I thought they were selfish and stupid. I was a kid, but I still had a mean side eye and I was quick with the comebacks. I had something to say about everything. (My children are opinionated too, but we get along well. Lol.)

To circle back a little bit, not wanting to go back into the shadows of those old wounds (stories) has prevented me from finishing my memoir (and maybe from making enough effort in relationships to empathize with others’ wounds), and although I’ve done well at moving forward, there’s much more growth to come. I haven’t even begun to imagine all that’s on the horizon for me.

My message to you (and a loving note to myself) is to move through the shadows to get to the brighter light on the other side of the tunnel. Turn over a few stones along the way. You will survive.

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In other news, I’m a level one reiki practitioner now. That also happened last weekend. I went back to kickboxing last night, which made me very happy. (I hadn’t been since I injured my back a couple of times in December. Before that, I had stomach pain.) And this weekend, I have an interview for an acting program! Imagine?

Here’s another old story: When I was 14, I wanted to audition for the drama program at the Laguardia High School for Performing Arts in New York. My mother was afraid of trains so I couldn’t take trains either. Since a daily trip from Brooklyn to Manhattan wasn’t an option, I auditioned for and got into Erasmus Hall High School in Flatbush – one of the most violent schools in Brooklyn at that time, but I could get there by bus. I still have friends from that school, and a lifelong relationship with my drama teacher who was my biggest supporter back then. She’s still great. No regrets – just a story (perhaps about putting fears off on others, or about a parent trying to protect a child).

I’m also writing an essay, or series of essays to apply for a low residence MFA program in creative non – fiction. I’m super excited about that.

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Gee, I feel like I’ve done a lot of talking here. So what are you up to? What are your thoughts?



Categories: Personal Stories

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

12 replies

  1. Great post! I will tell you from my own personal experience that my mother and I had a very difficult relationship. I hated some of the things she did to me and I really didn’t trust her. I felt as though she treated my two younger siblings better than me and I pushed her away. In this season of God working through me and asking me to follow his will I am allowing my mother to just be in my life and forgive her. Truly forgive her for not being what I considered a loving and supportive mother. It’s been scary, but God said to trust and so I’m doing that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing! Yup. It’s best to reconcile with parents while they are alive unless there are abusive or extenuating circumstances. I see my mother often and I’m generally unbothered by the past because I just don’t rehash it and I know she did whatever her best was. But as you know there’s levels to this ish. So I’m going to dig in the subterranean. And you know that’s work. Thank you!

      Like

  2. Sometimes we get stuck and wallow in the darkness of those tunnels, not realizing hope is just a short distance away. It seems that you’re at the fulcrum of the past and future, with an amazing journey about to begin. The acting program sounds wonderful! As far as the level one reiki practitioner, does that mean more amazing Friday posts? πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, that’s great news! I think it’s great that you’re chasing old dreams and moving on from the shadows of the past as you called them. It’s always difficult to work through your demons and improve yourself. I’m haunted by my own issues and it’s a struggle at times to move on. I hope you post your essays on the blog, looking forward to reading them

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Excellent post!! That post you deleted was on point! I can relate to having a lot in your head. Your past experiences is counted as wisdom. And it is something that you can share with someone else who probably needs it. It’s your testimony. (Can the church say Amen?)
    I hope you continue to share your past experiences to those in need. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this post! Not many of us are able to admit how we was feeling in the past. It’s just something we never wanted to discuss. First of all, I’m grateful for everything and I’m proud of my parents. My father joined the army when I was a infant. Not knowing it will bother me later in life. Of course iwe traveled the world and I enjoyed it. Making new friends wasn’t easy.

    To make a long story short….. I have a lot of family that I don’t know. I didn’t grow up with them. As adults, we could care less about getting to know each other. I can’t stand the sight of a few of them. I’m considered the outsider. To be honest, I feel like most of them are afraid to fill my shoes. I hate the fact that “I don’t care!” I guess it’s mixed feeling? I just had to share.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing. We didn’t grow up together, but we sure have similar attitudes on certain things. “I Don’t care” and “nexxxttt” are favorite sayings of mine. Not caring and brushing people /things off spilled over into romantic relationships because I have very “low tolerance.” (Remember those blogs?) Meanwhile ppl tolerating me, right?! Lol.

      I’m grateful for my parents too; they were a source of pain too though. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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