Men and Dating – Pet Peeve

Dear men,

If you ask a woman out, make some effort to come up with a PLAN. Do not put the onus on Her.

Minus one thousand points if I ask where we’re meeting/ what we’re doing and the man says “up to you,” almost with a shrug. Especially not at the last minute. At least have a suggestion or idea. How hard is that?

How to Handle Honest Men | 5 Tips For Women

Remember the three men I met last week?

They turned out to be HONEST in their intentions, of all things. I’ve been saying honesty is the best game for a while now. (If only more men took heed.)

image

Here’s the rundown:

Guy #1 wants to meet up this Saturday in Brooklyn. He asked where I wanted to meet, so I asked what he wants to do. “Be inside you,” he said. “Really? Since when?” (As if I didn’t set him up with the first question.) “Since we ran back into each other,” he said.

Guy #2 wanted to meet up last weekend, but I was tired and not about that driving-to-another-state life. (It happens!) I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious because he never asked typical questions that men do when they’re interested in a woman (do you gave children, how old are you, etc.). Plus, we danced very sensually and I recognize that. And I enjoyed it. His story? He’s working on his financial situation and is unavailable for a relationship. (I have a feeling he’s unemployed.) But he’s available for sex.

Guy #3 is waiting for finalization of his U.S. citizenship. Once he gets that, he’s going back to Sudan to find a wife, and bring her to the U.S. after a year or so. He claims I remind him of a Sudanese woman. He wants to meet up Sunday and offered to put me up in a hotel in Manhattan (alone) after we hang out, since I have to work Monday. Um hmm. No thank you!

I write about relationships, so I asked plenty of questions throughout conversations with these men and above all, I respect their honesty. Guy #3 didn’t ask for anything specifically, but c’mon, you really wanna be “friends” with me a few months before you go start a family? Okay.

Still, I’ll take honesty over a lie, although I do understand how women play a role in conditioning men to lie (by punishing them for telling their truths).

Here are a few tips:

  • Don’t chastise them for their honesty, but instead express appreciation. A lot of men lie to get what they want, which leads to disaster and heartache down the line if you get swept up and emotionally attached. If you want more honesty from men, learn how to receive it better. Later, I’ll write a piece on how to detect a lying ass man.

 

  • Listen intently, while processing what YOU want. Let him express himself, and take in where he’s really coming from since its up to you to take it or leave it. Are you on the same page as far as wants? Or are you far off? Do you want to settle for what he’s offering in the meantime, or will you hold out?

 

  • Take your time. There’s no need to rush your answer. If the game switched up too fast for you, tell him you’ll consider his thoughts and get back to him. If he puts too much pressure on you, he’s being disrespectful and selfish.

 

  • Do what’s best for you. Express how you feel about moving forward (or not). If saying yes to him means saying no to yourself, rethink the situation. Your needs are first priority.

 

  • Learn to let go, as I said in 5 Key Dating Tips For Women, the sooner you get rid of men who are far off target from what you want, the more open you are to receiving what you Do want.

Honesty really is the best game. With full disclosure, you can exercise choice – with or without judgment of the other person. You can engage, or simply walk away.

 

************************

 

What’s your take on honesty in relationships and “getting to know you” situations? How do you or would you react if a man or woman you just met told you they were interested in sex? How would you rate the three men I wrote about based on their approach? Have you experienced something similar?

Hallelujah, It’s Raining Men!

OMG! I had a ball last night! Went out after work in Chelsea, NYC to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday. Yayy!! Oh, the gorgeous black men I saw up in there… Owwww.

image

Guy #1

I guess I’d been at the bar/lounge for about an hour when I spotted this guy I went out with a some time ago, but haven’t seen in a couple of years. I had a situation five years ago when we met. Actually, we went out quite a few times and fell out when he invited me to an after-work party for his fraternity – without telling me he was inviting me to a party! I was type pissed that I was wearing jeans — high-waisted bell bottom jeans that I love, no doubt – and a camisole. But, folks were dressed. I was also pissed that he let me leave without so much as walking me outside or putting me in a cab to Penn Station. (So what if I work in the area?) “Did you not feel safe?,” he asked later. Tuh. That’s beside the point! And I threw as much shade as possible, prompting him not to call again, I guess. Neither did I! Oh – but he’s lost some weight, and he’s a generous, stable guy. He was very happy that I’m thicker than I was when he saw me last, and even spun me around so he could see how poppin I was. Eventually, I said yes to brunch. And waived him off like “okay, we’ll talk soon.” Lol.

Guy #2

The deejay played THE best reggae and soca music. Yassss!!!! Heaven! (Someone always asks if I’m West Indian. Nope, but I wine like I am.) My feet were killing me after a while, so I sat down. This tall, brown-skinned guy with braces walked over to me and reached for my hand. “You are so beautiful.” He was wearing the customary button-down shirt with jeans (and a navy blue blazer in hand.) I can’t tell you how many songs we danced, but he smelled good and I was in some compromising positions – I mean leg hoisted around his waist grinding position… dropping it low position. Cheek to cheek, face to face, arms around waists slow wining position. Bent over, hands on the couch position. No behavior, I know.  Don’t judge me! He lives in Manhattan. I gave him my number and he seemed happy that I’m single. “These vultures just waitin for me to leave so they can talk to you. Let’s dance one more song.” I say okay. (It’s rare that I meet a man who can keep up with me like that.) On my way to the coat check, I saw him holding up the wall with some chick. Body language seemed intimate – his hand rested on the small of her back – but I guess that’s a bit less intimate than our dancing. Hmmm. I left the building smiling, without making eye contact. LOL.

Guy #3

*Sigh* I make it outside. Feet hurting like HELL, but I’m walking straight. I tell my girlfriend I’m gonna hail a cab and we kiss goodnight. “Bye boo! Text me when you get home.” I flag down a black cab and not a yellow cab,  immediately realizing that I have no cash! (Yellow cabs in New York City take credit cards, but not all others do.) I tell the driver “Oh shoot,  I have no cash. Do you take cards? If not, I’ll have to get out and catch a yellow cab.” He asked how much I had. “I have a dollar.” He was like “A dollar?  How could a pretty lady like you only have a dollar?” Next thing you know, he was driving me to the train station, and offering to drive me to New Jersey (paying gas, tolls and everything)! No thank you! Anyway, he seemed like a handsome guy with a nice set of teeth. Supposedly single, and from Sudan. He wants to take me out on Sunday. “Okay, call me.” Oh, he gave me back my dollar before I got out of his car. LOL.

Just a couple of days ago, I said I was taking a break from dating to focus on other things. I meant that. *Sigh. Does this mean the Universe has other plans for me? :)

Plus 1

Oh, randomly, I saw this other guy at the gym last weekend. Went out a few times last year, but all he did was talk about himself and his ex-wife. Really? Nice guy, though. Naturally, he called to tell me how nice I look in a t-shirt (and to say we should hang out). I’d rather be home than suffer through boring conversation though. I’ll see.

Anyway, I really had a great time (and I wrote this last night on my way home)! Shout out to my boo “Alicia” whose birthday we were celebrating. Yass!!! Xoxox~~

*******

What do you think of these developments? Have you ever decided to take a break from dating, only for people of the opposite sex to start asking you out (a lot)? What do you think of rekindling with someone you dated (not exclusively), but drifted apart from?

Tell Me If I’m Tripping

The fuckery.

I mentioned the other day that I have a few trips coming up. So, a “male friend wanted” to tag along. I’m using that term loosely because some of the tenets of what I consider friendship are missing.

Anyway, he asks to accompany me. I’m flying, but he wants to turn it into a road trip. He knows my family, so I considered it for a second.

Here’s what he said when I told him I’m going to fly because that’s the cheaper option for me:

Same with car we go half and I pay for gas and tolls and the room no problem to sleep/spend night with u I will pay anything.

My response? I have no intentions on sleeping with or spending the night with you.

And then he tried to run a guilt trip on me.

I guess you’re embarrassed by me. Tell the family I tried to come, but you couldn’t fit me in your busy schedule. I’m sorry, I won’t try to go anywhere with a friend again.

I know I can be short in my responses to people and my attitude is often zero tolerance for BS. But I don’t think I misinterpreted his words. No points for paying for tolls, gas and hotel – to sleep with me.

And on top of that, dude is NOT checking for me on regular basis. He’s waiting until the weather warms up, so we can have lunch. And I’ve known him for decades. Meanwhile, there are men (not even friends) who will brave a snow storm to keep plans to meet up with me.

Also— You know what? I would rather risk being considered a bitch than to give intimate pieces of myself to someone who using the guise of friendship to try and insert themselves into my private space.

The key is to know your worth. And check the foolery. Rant done!!

Related — Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motive

******

Am I tripping? Tell me what you get from this story.