Is it true that a man is only a real man if he can take care of his woman financially and provide for all her needs (I.e. bills, clothes, food, shelter, incidentals, etc.)? Never mind if he’s abusive. Can he pay the bills?
This is my mother’s perspective. She’s not alone. Plenty of women feel this way, right? I’m sure many women seek out men who are willing to fully fund their lives, and in turn, some men are happy to take on that role, although often it allows the man to have more control over the relationship. (I think.)
And if by chance you’re dating a man (or worse – you’re married to a man) who can’t cover all expenses for you, your home, your bills (and maybe even your children from a previous relationship) and his, you “tell him to kiss your ass.” Or maybe you just threaten to send him to hell in gasoline drawers. (As per my mother, who granted – is from a different generation than I am.)
Is sharing the costs of a relationship a relatively new phenomenon? I don’t know too many women who are fully dependent on their man to provide for them, although – again, in some families, the husband wouldn’t have it any other way and both parties are happy with this arrangement. Perhaps it’s just the caliber of woman I know? Were we conditioned to be independent? Or have we just lost out on the men who swoop in and pick up the tab on everything?
Don’t get me wrong. If I were in a situation where my husband took great care of our family financially and I felt secure enough to pursue a writing, teaching and public motivational speaking career, I would. Would I still want to share in the cost of our marriage and lifestyle? Yes. Maybe I’d decorate the house and manage our vacation fund.
Does that make me too independent? Or unable to “let a man be a man?” I think it makes me realistic. And experienced. I bring to the table a proven ability to take care of myself and manage a household. And there’s a certain type of man who will see that as an asset – because in a partnership, it’s nice to know you can rely on your mate to step in and pick up some slack when life throws you curve balls – or when you want to treat yourselves to a super luxury vacation – or when you just have a lot of cash flowing out of your household(s).
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So where do you think the balance is as far as a woman sharing the cost of a relationship or marriage? Do you take a more traditional view – that it is solely a man’s job to provide? Or do you feel there is room for a woman to contribute financially to a household and lifestyle? If you are dating someone right now, who picks up the tab when you go on dinner dates? Do you take vacations? Who foots the bill?
And for the men, have you encountered women who expected you to fully pick up the tab on their lives? How did that work out? When dating, how willing are you to foot the bills for your love interest? Is it limited to outings, or do you take on her personal financial responsibilities?
Categories: Random
Gratitude Is An Everyday Thing – But Thank You! 
I feel like writing today! 
Crisis 
My Female Persuasion 
I don’t think sharing the cost of living makes a man less than. although I would love to be in a traditional relationship but these days that’s just a dream. And yes if ur husband is taking care of everything than I think he has the control but that goes back to the traditional relationship.
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I agree. I love how you admit to wanting a traditional relationship. Nothing wrong with that. There are also men who will take on the role of sole provider and still treat you like a Queen, versus a subject.
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I don’t think abuse is valid cause he’s paying bills and flipping all expenses. Being the financial leader don’t give you abuse or control rights and I don’t think any woman should accept it as valid for paying totally not accepted. On the other hand I totally think it’s a great thing when a man can and want to handle his partner financially, why not I think a real man would be proud to do so with no gripe or complaint. I think most men just want a loving, supportive, respectful women by his side who can cook, clean, keep a home and have sex reg. We as women have told ourselves were independent and we are but allowing for a man to mind you is definitely not a issue. I think men like it
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great points. abuse is never valid from my perspective either, but I’ve seen it happen in cases were completely dependent on men for financial survival. Does it happen to women who pay their own bills? Yes. So one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.
Different strokes for different folks. I guess explaining and managing expectations is key.
As far as allowing for a man to mind you – that feels great. And a man who cares for you wants to do for you and make sure you’re okay. Now whether he can afford to do ALL for you – or even Want to do ALL for you, is another question.
And you’re right re those other things – clean home, support, regular sex, etc. 🙂
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I feel that a relationship should be equal. Both men and women should be earning and participating equally in the domestic sphere of life as well.
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you’re not alone. I believe in earning and participating. His percentage should be more than 50 though. LOL. Such a double standard and contradiction!
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My wife had taken 10 years off while our boys were being raised. While it caused some financial problems, we made it work. However, I never had thought of the arrangement as having power. I looked at it like it was the best thing for our children and that mattered more than anything. Ok, that was my editorial. 😀 When I was dating, yes, I’d pay, and it wasn’t that I was a misogynist, but more that it was a role that was imprinted upon me. I never gave it a second thought. But, I’ve always never had a problem if my date treated me to dinner or bought me a drink either.
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I’ve stayed home for a while to raise a child too. If I was with someone who was really capable of handling everything financially, I might have stayed home longer than I did. But we were struggling. (Am I contradicting myself??)
I don’t see that arrangement as having power. I see it as doing what’s best for the family as long as all parties are happy with the agreement.
I think my issue is really the expectation that a man has to fund the entire cost of any relationship, even if it means he has to go broke. And the idea that a man who cannot afford to do that, or doesn’t want to – isn’t a REAL man.
Oh, and when I was dating (for a few years) I didn’t pay!! But I rarely went out more than twice with any guy. If we went out more than twice, I would pick up the tab for a movie or something and men appreciated that.
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As far as the power, that wasn’t implicit in your post, but I was reading the comments, too, and thought I had read that. I, like you, rarely dated past the third date, and it wasn’t an issue for me to pay or to be treated. Honestly, I don’t think that I would have dated anyone if I found that my value as a male was tied to my income. I think that everything really needs to be shared. When I get home tonight, I’ll start dinner and do laundry, make sure the kids have their homework done. My wife will do the same if she gets home before I do. I’d like to think that it’s not more or less male, just pulling my weight. Excellent topic!!!
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Lol. Yes. Well said re value being tied to income. Because for some, no matter what else you bring to the table, you’re worthless if you can’t – or choose not to foot all the bills. Sounds like you have it right. Balance is key.
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As a man it is an honor to be able to fully cover the financial expenses of relationship…. But also that may not always be the case due to various circumstances….. Furthermore, if that’s all he is doing then the relationship is still unbalanced. I seek balance in all aspects of relationship… If I need the help…we are a team and even if I dont…do something to contribute to our relationship and household.
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Agreed. Aww, I like that perspective “it’s an honor.” An honor to make your family feel secure. And you’re right, in a true partnership, both parties are contributing in a balanced manner – in whatever way they mutually decide.
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Wow I just was talking to a coworker about this today!!
I don’t think that a man is less than a man if he cannot pay all of his spouse’s bills. Now had this been in the 1950’s, then yes this would be more appropriate for a man to take care of the house while the man brings home the bacon. But in this day and age, it takes two people to accomplish things needed in the household. Especially if we want to go on vacations. This definitely would require a team effort.
This is what I like to call building together for the greater good and to prepare for the future. Nowadays, you have some women who would love the idea of a man to pay all there bills ehm (taking advantage of the situation) not realizing that yeah they may have some of the things that they want, but not realizing that they are tearing the financial gain down. Basically what this means that if both work together, more can be accomplished, and more money can be saved.
Here is an example. I was watching HGTV the other day. Property Brothers was the show. It was ababout a black couple who wanted a staycation home. This was a black couple named Fred and Edith. The bottom line is there was a set of outdoor furniture that wasn’t in the budget nor the contingency. They really wanted the set for the backyard.
The wife suprised the husband by saying, “baby we can get it I’ve been saving for us to have a vacation. We can use the money for that since it is an investment in our home and we can see it every day instead of going on the vacation and just have the memory. We can always go on vacation later.” The husband was shocked because he was unaware that she was saving while they both were working.
She saved 10,000 and purchased the outdoor furniture.
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Aww, what a nice story. And a great way to illustrate your point about some loving the idea of a man paying everything but “not realizing that they are tearing the financial gain down” (if he cannot comfortably afford it). If he can afford it and the family is good – great! If circumstances allow (for example maybe a mom or dad is home raising kids because it’s safer or more economical) of course more (life goals) can always be accomplished with more income. As always thanks for the insightful comment.
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Agreed. And you’re welcome. 🙂
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It seems like everyone has their own definition of a MAN or REAL MAN. Ms Anonymous who chimed in at 3:46 pm today says she thinks a “REAL MAN” would be proud to take on the financial responsibility without gripe or complaint. Huh? What? How/since when does a real man’s status become tied to his salary? In a functional, loving, mature relationship a man and woman focus and emphasize what they’re trying to accomplish in life. Each person pulls the weight equally. The MAN or WOMAN should be a supplement to the relationship in every aspect, NOT a full course, if not, that breeds too much dependency and reliance on one person which can potentially cause a strain on that relationship.
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Very well said. I hate when people try to pigeon hole what a REAL man or woman is to begin with because usually it’s some self serving idea that suits whatever their wants are. There’s so much more to a man of substance than his bottom line, but this view is crazy to some.
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Wow! (Deep breath) My spouse and I had this conversation a few weeks ago. The first thing I want to say, “things have changed!” In these days both parties work outside the home.
If you have a spouse or a boyfriend and he’s okay with taking care of home without your assistance, You’re lucky! Not to take advantage of the situation but if he allows this to happen, it’s okay but…. what if he up and leave me and I was allowing him to handle the bills and etc…. Hmmmm
When a man knows you have to depend on him, most will take advantage of the situation. I would be grateful if he allows me to stay home and enjoy life but people change. I’m not going to spend my life wondering if he will leave me. I may be thinking to deep, but on that note, I’m not a fool!😉
I feel like the both of us should share our finances and bills as well as chores. We can do it all as a family.
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Well, I guess we are “new age” women. I may have said this, but there ARE men who are willing and happy to be the sole financial provider, and treat you like a Queen. And some discourage their partner from working to ensure he maintains control.
As far as the possibility that he may leave, I could see trusting a husband enough and having enough faith in him to take that risk (relying fully on him). Otherwise why marry him? (I still need my own coins tho.)
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I think a relationship should be a partnership; ideally, it should be an equal one too but this often isn’t possible. If you look at a company that is made up of partners, everyone brings something to the business that moves it forward. Whether it be money, skills, experience, contacts etc, everybody contributes. It may not be equal contributions but all are necessary. I think you can apply that principle to a relationship as well. If a man is paying for everything (or the majority of things) then the woman has to contribute something else to the relationship. Maybe she’s a stay at home mom, maybe she helps run the house or his diary. Whatever it is, everyone needs to contribute or else the relationship will fail.
Personally, I prefer to split costs but that’s in part because I am still a student and don’t have the resources to pay for everything. Once I start working I think I’m going to still live by those same principles because I’ve noticed that girls who are willing to split the costs are generally better girls.
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Wow. “Girls who are willing to split the cost are generally better girls?” That’s a first. Interesting observation. Meaning she brings a certain mindset to the table? I like the comparison to running a business. Nice analogy.
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Yeah, I mean that in terms of mindset. From personal experience women who expect the guy to pay for everything tend to be more superficial and materialistic. Obviously there are girls with more traditional views who aren’t vapid but I have yet to meet them.
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I see your point here. A strong sense of entitlement to someone else’s money might be a key indicator of a superficial person. Or of a woman who was just raised with traditional views.
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For me relationships and finance is all about building. What are we going to do to build something for the next generation? In my eyes you can’t pass your supervisor job to your children. If you guys both have the same goal, the amount of money each person is contributing really won’t even cross your mind. Of course as a man, you need to be a leader and be able as a leader to review the finances and put the family in the best position for success. Focus on building something for the next generation and money will be the least of your worries.
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Love this. Great perspective. It’s too easy to get sidetracked focusing on the minutiae. Of course the type of relationship you’re referring to is beyond “just dating.”
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Yes this is for beyond just dating. What I we do when I was in the dating game was ask women what plans they had for the next generation. Some guys may think this is a bit much for just dating. If your goal is a significant other, then you need to weed woman out ASAP. You don’t have time to waste with women who don’t share the same views on life as you. If she’s not sure that’s cool in the game if she’s receptive to the upgrade. Most women will be okay with this because it’s something they may not have been thinking about and you brought that out of them.
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Yea, I would think a lot of other boxes had to be ticked off before you got that deep with a date. But that’s definitely a question that could reveal a lot, although I’m willing to bet no one anticipated it. ticking boxes could take a minute so I see your point about not wasting time.
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I love this. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I’m always open to hearing other independent females’ opinions and your outlook. This post is great and I got a good laugh in the title. Love your writing.
-Jodi-
http://www.throughmyowneyes.com
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🙂 thank you. Glad it resonated.
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