Is it too premature for me to write about missing the single life? Not missing it as in – I wanna go back there. I had a good 3.5 year run at it. I mean missing it as in admitting that with every situation, there are upsides and downsides.
In I Think I Might Be a Man Lover, I shared how my appreciation for men grew over a long period of sporadic dating – despite encounters with liars, stalkers, cowards, control freaks, and sex fiends. All those men, and the stories on this blog made me better prepared for something long-term with an ideal man. Definitely an upside to the single woman phase.
In committing to a new stage (I’m spoken for. Yass!), I initially missed being selfish with my time and energy – scheduling dates around my workouts, slipping under the radar whenever I didn’t feel like being bothered, feeling no need to keep my armpits completely smooth (judge me!), and avoiding being open and vulnerable. Why disclose personal details about my life with men who aren’t relationship candidates?
Healthy partnerships involve making yourself physically and emotionally available. That means if you’re going a week or more without seeing your significant other, you indulge them in video chats – raccoon eyes, blemishes, untamed hair and all – if that’s what they want. (Or put on some concealer!)
It means opening up and trusting your partner with the bits of you that may be unsavory. Even traumatic experiences that have shaped your character and your life (slowly, and in the natural course of the relationship).
The second time LB and I went out, I told him all about my teen pregnancy – a story I rarely rehash because for one, those were painful, uncertain times. Second, there’s no real need to in day-to-day conversation. Who needs to know that I was pregnant at 15? He understood. And I understood. This is new, because I’ve always been guarded.
If you’re trying to build with someone, I recommend that you strive to be as transparent as possible. As hard as that is. The discomfort is almost suffocating when you worry about how your mate will receive your words. Especially when you’re thinking “What if this is a deal breaker? Will he want to move forward if I share this? What if he thinks I’m a mess?” You try to open your mouth and the words get stuck in your throat. (Yea.)
Difficult conversations are a given. Revelations are certain. But everyone deserves to know exactly what they’re signing up for though. Agreed?
I’d also recommend enjoying whatever stage you’re in now. If you’ve read my blog, you know I enjoyed single life. I made the best of it. Went on vacations (even all-expense paid). Dated. Partied. Wrote. Spent time with friends. Nurtured my family. Grew!
This stage? I’m loving it even more! Amen! Dating, traveling, cultivating friendship with LB – just being… And I’m more than willing to make adjustments that bring us closer – even video calling when I’m in desperate need of sleep. And waxing. Worth it.
Are you enjoying the relationship stage you’re in now? Why or why not? What kinds of adjustments have you had to make if you’re in a relationship or married? How do you feel about being transparent and or vulnerable with your partner? Does it help or hurt?
Categories: Inspiration, Personal Stories
The Dating Game – How Three Years of One-Off Dates Helped Shape My Perspective on Marriage 
Hindsight Is Better Than 20/20 
My Female Persuasion 
I loved this and could not agree more. It is all about being open, vulnerable, honest and trusting. If you meet a person who brings this out in you, having the courage to go for it. I wish you joy. So happy you can tell him everything . All my love.
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Thanks Laurie! The way he responds only makes me like him more.
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I agree, all stages have their memories. However, not being single means that you can focus your energy more on your relationship, instead of spending it on the unknown.
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Such a great point! This stage is much more rewarding so far. Being single made me even more of a skeptic. I’m normalizing a bit now. Lol
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I found myself to enjoy dating, until I realized that most of the excitement came from the anxiety of the unknown. Does that make sense? Kind of like thrill seeking. But after that wore off, I found myself in worse situations, like having to call and say ‘no thank you’. I like the challenges of working through a healthy relationship much more.
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Yes that makes sense. I liked figuring out what to wear, etc. And writing funny stories! But most often, I only went out with guys one time. I also felt undervalued in situations where we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but continued to spend time together. Like – I like you, but not THAT much. And you feel the same! Luckily, I didn’t encounter too many challenges, but nevertheless, I like putting my energy into cultivating a strong partnership – and having a vision for where we might go.
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I’m still in this single phase and it definitely have its ups and downs. I am looking forward to being in a relationship but I know that I am not completely ready. It’s something you have to be ready for and the dynamics change when you are no longer looking at your potential mate as a father figure for future children. It’s all about what YOU want in a mate.
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It’s great that you can acknowledge you’re not ready. I had to GET ready because when the time came, I asked “am I ready??” Because – I was used to only considering myself. Still work to be done. Its all a process. I love the point you made about no longer looking for a man to be a father figure. True. I think one of the great things about finding ‘love’ now, no matter what age our daughters are, is that we can be an example as far as what a healthy, thriving relationship looks like. That dawned on me a few weeks ago. I’m happy about that. Thanks for chiming in!
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I love being in a relationship. I would hate to start all over again not knowing the outcome or if I’m losing time. Every relationship make adjustments but it has to be something you really want to feel that connection.
Being single/married has its advantages as well as disadvantages.
Yes, I’m enjoying this stage in my relationship . I know for a fact if I wasn’t in a relationship, it would be difficult for me to find the right one. Just say ” I know too much at this stage in my life”…..😉
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Lol. Yes, you’re a wise woman. I’m glad you’re content and happy where you are. Most important! The break was good for me because I gained clarity. And whoo, after an 11 yr relationship, I needed to learn how to ‘just do me.’ Amen! Thanks girl!
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😘
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This:
“If you’re trying to build with someone, I recommend that you strive to be as transparent as possible. As hard as that is. The discomfort is almost suffocating when you worry about how your mate will receive your words.”
I love it. I love it. I love it.
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(!!!!) Thank you.
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Hello Ms. Persuasion
I love reading your work. Brings so much to perspective. So you are in a relationship? Nice. I am still in that waiting zone. Been there for 13 years. I have not had a real relationship since my son’s father, if you want to call that real. I think the dating and the flings I have had made me wiser. I definitely know WHAT I DO NOT WANT! I think I am worth so much more. I refuse to settle. I just tried dating again (after quitting for two years). I was in heavy like with my best friend. Still am. However, I’m working on getting over that as you know. lol I decided to go out with a PR guy about two weeks ago. I decided last week he is not for me. He can’t bring anything to my table. He is a nice guy, but I am turned off by a man, if you will, who is 37 and owns over 300 pairs of sneakers and has no vehicle or “apartment.” This is what I attract. So the dating game is now closed again.
Back to your article, I do not like feeling vulnerable. I feel weak and humiliated. I can’t. I need to be headstrong and keep my guards up. I don’t have time for no BS. I’m 42 and time continues to fly without my permission. I want a relationship. My best friend would be perfect but he’s feeling himself a little too much since he got a high position at his workplace. He was perfect for me on so many levels except his height. lol Oh well, we all have flaws lol I guess I can say I am not happy at this stage. I feel I should have that significant other by now. Seems like it’s never going to happen. I feel like hanging it up forever. However, there is a little piece of me that says, “Don’t give up! Don’t!” For now, I will leave that voice all the way in the back of my mind and continue to do me. Shop. Make up. Work. Vacation. Dance salsa. Try and work out. lol Make men suffer (cuz i got that bass, lol) . And all the other good things life has offered me. lol Thanks for allowing me to read your thoughts and feelings. 😀
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“I do not like feeling vulnerable. I feel weak and humiliated. I can’t. I need to be headstrong and keep my guards up… I want a relationship.”
This is very relatable! I think on some level our experiences as children, teens, and young adults turn us into pillars of steel! Naturally, we want to protect out hearts if we’ve been hurt, or abandoned, or just never encouraged to express ourselves. But in order to let love in, we have to let our guards down. I had to consciously decide to do this in order to move forward. It’s uncomfortable!
too funny re your best friend’s height! But I see you got past that! lol. Sometimes a person can be perfect on many levels, except the ones that are important to make you feel safe and secure that he wants to move forward and will do anything in his power to make that happen.
Listen to the voice that’s telling you to open your heart. It may not happen when you want to, but will happen in time! Glad to see you doing things to enjoy yourself and cultivating passions – makeup, salsa, vacation, etc. I truly believe that’s its when you resolve to do things you’re passionate about and to open your heart and make yourself ready for him, he will be more likely to show up. The key is to get excited about him now. Create the energy that draws him in. (And keep doing that nice makeup, because that makes you happy.)
Thanks for reading! I appreciate it.
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