“Have you ever dated anybody other than black men?”
I’m learning that’s a pretty normal question in the dating world — from black men, because that’s all I’ve ever dated.
When I tell them I haven’t, I get strange looks. And then “Why not?”
Because I just — like black men. I like their energy. It’s what I know. 99% of the time, when I see a man I find attractive, he’s black. Plus other men don’t approach me.
Some men ask “Are they intimidated by you?”
I don’t know. I know I get stares from men of other races – sometimes. How would I know they’re intimidated if they never say as much?
The bigger question is — Why can’t I just love black men? I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, although several black men have suggested that I just try it. “But don’t go to the other side and stay there.”
I will never ‘seek out’ men of other races to date and have sex with – just for the sake of seeing what I’m missing. That idea is unappealing to me – although I’m “open” to going out with a non-black man if he meets my standards for a man I’d date.
From my perspective (and I’m aware of my partiality), there’s nothing like chocolate skin. I just think it’s beautiful. Call me biased — but Why can’t I just love black men?
(Just to preference my questions – of course it’s okay to love who you love regardless of whatever.) Have you ever been pressured to try interracial dating? Either way – whether you have or have not dated someone other than your own ethnicity, what are the benefits? If you never have, do you feel you are missing out on anything? Why or why not?
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I dated a white guy before it was great when we were in private. For some reason I felt so uncomfortable in public I felt like everyone was staring at us and judging us. I was embarrassed by the relationship and I dont know why. I was around 22 then. Never dated someone of another race ever since then cause I remember how I felt. Its crazy cause I look at others in interracial relationships and I think nothing of it
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Wow. That’s very interesting. The same guys who asked me if I’ve tried interracial dating say they love dating European, Asian, etc. women but would never have children with them because of cultural differences, perspectives, etc. You have to be willing to come together on levels other than physical, which can be challenging given different backgrounds, values, etc. Also, they were just encouraging me to “Try it.”
And to your point, everything is not for everyone, and some of us are more uncomfortable in certain situations than others. Thanks for chiming in.
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A lot of it depends on where you live. Growing up in all black neighborhood, I only dated Black women. I didn’t know/associate with other groups of women. When I went to high school, the Black women just weren’t that fly in my area. That’s when I started dating other groups of women. In college, it was still a mix of Black women and other groups of women. My parents did always tell me to stick with your own. As you know wifey is Black. I knew I always wanted to settle down with a Black woman because we could relate on a much deeper level. For people who are going to date interracial, it’s very important that you get with a guy/girl who understands the system and will not use it against you. A lot of Black men/women get caught up that way.
I have nothing against interracial dating. My closet friends are all in relationships with non black women.
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Very well said. Guys I’ve spoken to will generally “date” interracial, but not marry them. They say those women (European women) aren’t hung up about sex and “where is this relationship going?” Having black sons and knowing the anxiety that comes with that – and the unfair treatment, discrimination, criminalization, etc that occurs, I need someone who can relate to that/me. I have a friend who is married to a German. He downplays the racism she faces. So good point about “the system.” I don’t feel inclined to seek out a situation like that.
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No she’s black. And she moved to Europe with him.
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Yeah I hear that story all the time. It’s unfortunate that he downplays everything.
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I don’t have a huge dating history, so maybe it’s no surprise that I haven’t dated outside of my own ethnicity. I’d certainly be open to it if I were single. I haven been asked if I wanted to try it, though, which makes no sense to me. I’m not going to date a human being like that. Like their just an item of clothing I wanted to try on to see how it feels before going back to what I like. It just doesn’t feel right to m.
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My sentiments too. Thx!
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I have dated outside my race before but never felt pressured to do so. It was one of those “mutual attraction/ good times together” type of situation that I decided to give a try regardless of color. However, at the end of the day, I love my black men too!!
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Love that: “mutual attraction/good times together.” Best feeling regardless of race. 🙂
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My preference is Black men too. I did date one white guy, but he was a lot older (so that was the thing that stuck out most). His ex wife was Black and his to children are mixed (though both looked more white with “olive” complexion). But one day he admitted to me that he didn’t like to be with his kids alone (in public) when they were little. He said he felt ashamed for some reason, and never realized he had racial hang-ups until he had mixed kids.
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That’s deep. Children change several dynamics. Thanks.
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Hi, I searched your blog for an email address but couldn’t find one. Wanted to invite you on a virtual blog tour.
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Hi, I’m just seeing this. Thanks for the invite! (hopefully I’m not too late, but I appreciate the thought either way). My email is candacehabte@gmail.com
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Hi. Yes, too late. I dropped the ball where I was supposed to pick up. I was too busy.
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For matters of the heart, I say do what feels best. I’ve dated women from different ethnic backgrounds, and like any other woman that I’ve dated, it succeeded or failed on its own merits and not to social pressure.
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Good advice, although I haven’t dated anyone from a different ethnic background.
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I am so late to the party! Really like your blog and this is a good one. I, for one, seem to attract ONLY non-Black men. As much as I love chocolate, they don’t seem to love me back. Well, some do but, for the most part, I always have White men, especially, approaching me and the brothers seem to hold back. I was approached by a choc brother who told me I was pretty for being so dark…hmmm. White men, on the other hand, are always throwing in the compliments like crazy. I mean, it got to a point where I was asking, ‘Are you dating me or my skin tone?’
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Very interesting. White men NEVER approach me. No exaggeration. And I’m okay with that. Lol. As long as you’re doing What feels right for you, You’re good!
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Why do you think non-black men approach you more?
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Maybe because I have an accent or I seem ‘exotic’…not really sure why.
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Interesting. I’m so nosey, i probably would ask them what attracts them to me.
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Lol I have asked one before…and he said the contrast between our skin tones attracted him. Yeah.
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interesting. i can see that.
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My question to him then was, ‘Are you dating me or my skin tone?’ Another one said he expected me to be rocking afros and dashikis and not wearing weaves and skinny jeans when he asked me out…I guess I eventually did not fit into his idea of what an ‘African girlfriend’ was supposed to be…:-)
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lol. that is so funny. and their expectations of you and how you’re supposed to be are interesting too. I find that intriguing – “do black men and white men have different expectations for who or what a black or “african girlfriend” should behave and be like. I have no first hand knowledge, but you do!
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I guess he (white man) expected me to be more organic than I was…as in be more into nature, be very African…I asked what African was to him…and he couldn’t really answer. I dated one guy too who, when we broke up, was upset because I didn’t cheer for America during the World Cup. He said I must hate America…I don’t know what their expectations were when they decided to date me, these white guys, but I was me all through, unapologetically me. The Black men I have met don’t really try to date me and I have no idea why so I am not sure if they have the same preconceived notions about African women as some of the other guys I have dated…
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Again, I have a polar opposite experience. I wouldn’t put too much thought into it if it’s not concerning to you. As far as preconceived notions, i know lots of people have them. Myself included I guess. I grew up in ghettos or hoods in Brooklyn, and I’ve had some experiences that made me kind of tough on the surface, and definitely multifaceted (in ways that I wouldn’t trade) – so because of that I always assumed that only black men could “get me” and where I’m coming from because of shared experiences. Oddly, I”m dating a Ghanaian-Brit who totally gets me and can relate to my experiences. And he’s only dated women of color.
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I try not to overthink this stuff. I am currently with an Ethiopian guy who totally gets me (when I am not pregnant-moody!)…Enjoy your relationship! Those life experiences that toughen you up sometimes make you who you are and I wouldn’t change my experiences for anything…as hard as they may have been!
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Trying not to overthink is always a good practice. Thank you!! Enjoy your relationship and budding family as well.
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