Today’s post inspired by —
A long-time girlfriend (19 years) who recently invited me on a trip – NEXT YEAR to Soul Beach Music Festival in Aruba.
As usual, she prefaced her invitation with “it’s really for couples but” and then added you can always bring ‘Danielle’ if you want to.”
I thought to myself – #1, you’re inviting me to a ‘couples only’ event for what? Because you feel guilty about excluding me from your life based on my relationship status? Why bother? One thing I accept is that all relationships have boundaries. If I see you once a year and talk to you five, there’s still no love lost. I accept the limits of our friendship.
And #2, you tell me who to bring – another long-time female friend whom you’ve met once or twice? What if I wanted to bring someone else who your husband might find attractive? Or better yet, a man?
Perhaps I’m going off on a tangent here, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand the dynamic/ shift that occurs when some women get married.
My first thought on women who cut of their single friends after marriage is their actions wreak of insecurity. But there’s more to that.
—Maybe their husbands flirt with their still-single friends (and/or other women) and they have trust issues.
—Maybe they don’t want hubby hanging out with HIS single friends.
—Maybe some women submit to controlling, insecure men who don’t approve of them spending time with unmarried women (or anyone besides them).
Or — on a more positive note, perhaps some couples just feel more comfortable being around people with similar interests – in marriage.
But in that case, don’t bother calling single girlfriends only when you’re upset and ready to hang out and/or creep – or preface all invitations with “this is really a couples event.”
I will also say that being MARRIED doesn’t automatically make a woman happier or better off than the next. In a lot of cases, the unhappily married are more miserable than anything. So quit throwing shade.
******
Has anyone else experienced this? Do you generally find that married women distance themselves from single women once they tie the knot? Why do you think this is? Have you found that they call you again when their relationship is on the fritz, or when they have some ‘side business?’ Please chime in.
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Categories: Advice, Today's Post Inspired By
My Female Persuasion 
Oh wow, I agree I feel why’d she bother inviting u if she noted its for couples knowing your status and to state u can bring your girlfriend as if just cause your not married u don’t have a male figure to travel along, the nerve. Now on the other hand as a married women I’ve experienced the same by single friends they tend to exclude u assuming because your married you can mix among them. Im very social so I’m not that if ur not married u can’t engage in any social event I may have, we were all in that place once and if your secure u have no worries.
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Points well noted, and thanks for adding the married perspective! I didn’t realize Singles were excluding people based on relationship status too. If you haven’t given them any indication that you (or your husband) have a problem with you going out, it shouldnt be an issue. I think relationship boundaries change when people get married (or have children, change lifestyles, etc) and that’s to be expected, but don’t make it seem like you have to make an exception to invite someone. See them when you see them.
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Ok I think I’ll tilt towards d idea of insecurity. Women are territorial beings and quite insecure too most especially when they have this single female friend dat is HAWTTT!
Don’t blame ur friend, its ur fault cos she prolly sees u as way tooo hawt 2 be ignored. Lol (ofcourse you are). Moreso, she could also be married to a man whom she isn’t sure of how faithful he can be when she isn’t watching. You know “man” and “infidelity” are two synonymous words.
Moreso, I don’t think the preamble to the invitation was necessary. It totally wasn’t called for. Speaking from the legal persperctive, we see way too many divorce cases and when u see and hear all dat transpired in the marriage, its safe 2 say that there never was any marriage @ all.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, true. But it isn’t beautiful 4 everyone. Plus it doesn’t make one any much beta dan d single ones.
As 4 ur friend, don’t let her get to you. I think all d reasons you gave 4 married women doing that is totally true. Very close friends won’t do that 2. Each oda tho except their friendship wasn’t 4 real. In d instant case, I wouldn’t rili kal ha ur friend tho. And YES! It does happen every now and then, happened here a few days ago. Lol. Stop being hawt, and maybe she’ll want u around a lot more. Loool.
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Finally got the chance to restore this. *happy dance*
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And 4 d record, I’m not beefing the married people, its not every married woman that does this. I don’t wanna commit a fallacy of hasty generalisation. I think it’ll be safer 2 say that its based on the two individuals involved(the married woman, her single friend) and how close they are. I’m also surprised 2 see that single women push married women away too. That’s the first time I’m hearing of this. I’ll call that complex. Ppl should understand each other, relate with each other and value each other regardless of relationship status. It doesn’t count to me.
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I completely agree! Judge people based on character versus marital status – and I’d you’re insecure and distrustful of your mate to the point that you sacrifice friendships, thats on you. Those will be the same friends you call if that marriage “circle” dissolves.
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You have me cracking all the way up!! One thing I can’t help is being HAWTT. You hit the insecurity issue right on the head.
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Your right on both accounts. 1. It’s a trust issue. Some women are insecure about their husbands having single female friends. If he is a flirt, then she knew what he was from the begining and should have addressed that o not have dealt with him at all. But to each his/her own. We learn through lifes experiences. Like my dad used to say if I didn’t understand lifes diffiiculties, “Keep living Lamonte”.
2. Some do it just as you said the couple being comfortable in having similar interest. Something they can relate to. Now to dictate who you should bring, C’mon Man!! I’m saying, know your man or woman before you tie the knot. This would alieviate a lot of future problems. Okay I’m done. One. Peace out. Drops mic.
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Lol. Great points. Obviously some trust issues going on, but we do learn through experience. I understand getting into settled mode and establishing a new comfort zone, but at the same time if you choose carefully the type of people you allow a special place in your life – and value them, you shouldn’t have to cast them away once you get married.
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So true. That’s what we call burning bridges. And thats the wrong one to burn.
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My best friend is married and she never dropped her single friends. Her husband has his friends and she has her friends. They also have other married friends that they do couple things with. Never felt our relationship changed once she got married. Now I do have a girlfriend that every time she gets a man she doesn’t know anyone anymore unless she’s going through some things with her man and she needs someone to hang out with this goes on for years sometime.long story short I cut her off.
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Seems like your best friend and her husband know how to balance important relationships. I can see why you would kick the other one to the curb. Every time she gets a new man she acts up?! Smh
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I experienced this with a very good friend of mine. When she got married the phone calls became less frequent and I wasn’t invited out. I thought she was intentionally not including me since I was single. I never said anything just accepted the changes but it did hurt. Many years later she admired that she took her vows seriously and decided that she should hang with married couples with children like herself. By then I was over it. And when the marriage ended I was there for her and supported her. People do what they think is best for their new lives for whatever reasons. I personally don’t feel like that. I’m not married but been with my fiancé over 10 years. I have all types of friends and wouldn’t trade any. She just didn’t have to invite you period.
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Thanks Dionne. Agreed! She did what she thought was fitting at that time, but called when she needed a reliable, trustworthy person to lean on. Like you, I was offended at first, but stopped caring. I’m too busy living life. But always here for friends.
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Reblogged this on ivorymodels.
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Thank you!
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As a single woman, I would sometimes sort of distance myself from my married friends cause I didnt want to feel like the third wheel or have them become distant with me first. But as age and maturity prevailed, I realized that my single status has nothing to do with their married status as long as both parties are respectful of the others married/single life. Unfortunately, many of my married friends are now divorced so its not such a big deal anymore.LOL
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See how that works?? Not surprising given high divorce rates. Good to hear your perspective as a single woman who did the distancing. Thanks for chiming in.
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I don’t know if it’s me, but I don’t see the big deal with the invite.
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No big deal re: invite. It’s the pattern established over the years, which I’ve accepted – but decided to write about. As you see, people can relate to the broader topic – women who distance themselves from single friends once they get married.
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Just saying I think you’re over reacting
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Oh ok. That’s what writers do. Flesh ideas out and share. I havent addressed this issue with the person because, like i said, i respect the boundaries and i know she has her reasons. Thanks for reading!
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I have a more basic question–why do events need to be couples only to begin with? I’m single. If I have a dinner party, I’m not going to exclude couples. But I have married friends who do this all the time. Vacation. If I want to pay the single premium, what’s the problem? Odd numbers. Very, very bad. Avoid them at all costs.
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Excellent question. Maybe it is an odd number thing! I’m leaning more toward insecurity or distrust of spouses. But if you choose your friends and value them, what’s the problem with having them all at a dinner party?
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